The fear...

I take this weeks title from Lily Allen, having just come through my first week of uni and with my first piece of work already imminent, fear surrounds me.  It's very difficult to feel like anything other than apprehensive at this juncture. I'm terrified, apprehension doesn't cover it honestly.  At the moment I feel that my kayak hasn't left the shore yet, I'm still sat on the edge of a stony beach in my kayak and assessing the huge journey that lies ahead of me. I just don't seem to be able to get into the water, but I don't know what's holding me back. Is it my own insecurity? I don't know but I'm feeling very much on the back foot at the moment.  I really want to move forward but I'm scared to try for fear of failing. That's probably my biggest fear. Of failing. Can I do this? Really? I worked so hard at my access course and did so well but yet now I'm suffering a major crisis of confidence.  And I don't know how I can gage confidence to push forward. Over this weekend I have scuppered my own study plans, I've struggled with concentration, I just don't seem to be able to get my head in the game. So how do I cut the tie that binds me to the shore? How do I get myself started on this journey? At this point, honestly I don't know. I just don't know right now. I think I'd got myself over confident about this degree course thinking it would be easy, and it's not, it's tough. There's a pile of books for me to read, and assignments ahead that cause me to panic despite their being months ahead. I'm very very worried. Please Linzi if you're watching over me right now, I need you. I need to get this journey started and stop worrying. Because right now, the tides moving away and I'm not moving with it xxx

Here I go again...

MUST BE MAD-DONNA....THE SEQUEL

So thanks to Whitesnake, and in the words of Chucky 'I'm back!'.  So it's official I'm an undergraduate at the University of East Anglia!!!!  Argh!!!!!!  I'm not kayaking down a river this time, instead I'm attempting a sea crossing. There's going to be ebbing and flowing, rough conditions although I hope these will be few, and for a long time of this journey I will be travelling with no end in sight. The next three years will probably be the most difficult of my life, but hopefully the challenge and all the hard work will be worth it in the end...

I've got my ID, student registration is on Sunday, and then it's my course induction on Tuesday.  Bloody hell!!!!  This all just got very, very real!!!  I'm not sure what the next three years is going to bring but I will do everything in my power to come out of the other side of this not only with a degree, but having had an incredible 3 years, and met some amazing people who some may even become lifelong friends...  So I guess we'll have to just watch this space.  Julie's theme is playing, so I'm picking up my oar and going to paddle out. Wish me luck X

The end of the road...

Thanks to Boys II Men for this blog title.  The feared AWAITING ACADEMIC JUDGEMENT is merely a computer glitch!  My results are definite. My tether has detached and I'm sailing through to the finish line. I get my sequel!!!  From September my blog will become 'Mustbemad-Donna at Uni- The journey continues'.  I'm not actually changing my blog name, rather adding a sub heading which regular readers will be aware of. So what have I been up to? I hear you ask. Well I've de-cluttered and cleared out my house, I've treated myself to a sewing machine ( as mine broke) new one arrived yesterday and haven't had chance to play yet.  And I'm trying to get myself in gear for my holiday which is coming up shortly. And spending quality time with hubby and daughter. So this blog may be the last for a little while, after all that kayaking my body and mind need a rest. But trust me, in the immortal words of Arnold Schwarzenegger "I will be back....." X

I will wait...

Mumford and sons provide my latest blog title. I thought it was all over but it isn't yet. My results are AWAITING ACADEMIC JUDGEMENT, which I think means that the college have not decided my overall mark for English.  I've got three distinctions and one merit which to my reckoning should give me an overall distinction with 75% of my marks at the higher mark.  So I don't know what happens now. Are they going to re assess all of my English assessments?  Is there a chance that I could be marked down on previous assessments? I have no idea. But it's stressing me out!!!  I just want everything to be finalised, I thought my time in limboville was over, I could even feel the suns warm rays touching my face.  But I feel as though I've now discovered a tether attached to the rear of my kayak, although I'm floating in the direction I want to be going, I'm being held back.  It's so frustrating!!!!!  So whoever is up there watching over my life right now, please,please,please, release my kayak, let me have my results without their being altered and let me move down my path of choice.  The waiting is awful... X

I dreamed a dream....

I'm so excited! This is it! This time I know it's for real! I believe I can fly! There are countless song titles to express how Im feeling right now!  My results are all in!  And I got a distinction in my English exam! So I've finished this course with a 99% attendance rate, with my only absence being that I'd gone to a University interview.  I've got 3 marks at merit and 42 marks at distinction, alongside 15 passes (they were pass/fail results) and I am beyond chuffed!  I worked my arse off throughout this course, alongside running my salon and my household. It's been my biggest challenge to date both physically, mentally and emotionally, but I have loved it! Truly loved it!  I'm so pleased that I've hit the entry marks for UEA but I feel like I'm dreaming right now. Until I get a confirmation of a guaranteed place I'm not counting my chickens.  But as far as this course is concerned a strong wind has arisen behind me, and I'm being blown towards the light, towards a new beginning to my life, a chance for me to progress myself both mentally and emotionally, to achieve a lifelong dream!  Simultaneously I'm reflecting on the reason I started down this path, and wishing Linzi was here to celebrate with me now, but she isn't here. I really miss her.  She's often in my thoughts and she's still my driving force, whenever I've felt I couldn't be arsed it's as though she's been there to tell me to get on with it.  I hope her spirit remains with me as I travel across the sea that's now in view. I know land will be a long way off, there will be choppy waves ahead and obstacles in my way, but I hope that Linzi will be travelling this route with me...x

Sweet dreams are made of this....

Thanks Annie for this blog title, but I'm pinching myself here! I cannot really believe this!!! I've literally just gone on Facebook to find a post telling me that the Cultural Studies results were up. Immediately I felt sick to the stomach as deep down I knew I'd handed in a piece of work that I wasn't 100%happy with.  I've probably worried more about this essay than any other because I wanted to prove how much I have loved this subject. It has been my favourite, and were I younger I would study it at degree. But I'm not. And I do want to study Social work.  And so the result.... A Distinction!!!! That's another full house. A full house in Cultural Studies  and a full house in Psychology.  I've already got a merit in my English short story assessment so I can't get a full house there, but I am beyond chuffed to have got this distinction!  This was a really important one to me, it means a lot!  And so I sit in my kayak and there's a soft breeze behind me, finally after being stuck for so long I'm drifting ahead, I'm not heading directly down my chosen path but I'm a hell of a lot closer.  One more mark to go, don't know if I can stand the suspense much longer...x

Waiting to a star to fall...

So said the lyrics of the 'Boy meets girl's' song of the early 90's, probably remembered most by fans of the film Three Men and a Baby.  But I feel like I am waiting for a star to fall.  That star being my last grades for this course.  So I'm either hoping that either these stars will fall, or my accomplishment and hard work will cause me to rise up amongst the stars as I reach upward to my dream of studying a degree. A dream that I have had for many years and always thought was unattainable. Scarily now that dream is within my grasp, it seems further away than ever before. To get to the point at I'm at now has taken dedication, focus, life juggling skills beyond any of I'd had to use before, and sacrifice.  I've had to sacrifice time with family and friends, and sadly some friendships or what I thought were friendships have disappeared altogether.  But by my reckoning if those friends didn't support me in my quest for education, then they are not proper friends.  So I'm sat in limbo,  my kayak is back afloat, the reeds which tethered me have sunk into the water, but the water is still.  I'm just sat waiting for the breeze to blow me in the direction that fate has decided for me.  If nothing else I can look at myself in the mirror and know in my heart that I have given this course my absolute best! I had nothing left in the reservoir, though in honesty I may have changed my last two essays if I'd had more time. But I didn't, so I will just have to resign myself to that.  So I'm just waiting ....waiting....and waiting some more....watch this space x

What a difference a day makes...

...24 little hours.  Yes Dinah Washington (today's blog title contributor) the last 24 hrs are another step closer to my dream of studying a degree.  My friend Mel texted me late yesterday afternoon to tell me that the Psychology marks were in, and I had to wait a full hour before I was able to have a look! Very frustrating! Part of me was too scared to look, but thank god I got another distinction! So that means that in all of my Psychology units I got full marks!  To say I'm chuffed is an understatement! But I also feel the need to acknowledge that the Psychology part of this course is where I have put the least work. That's a crappy admission I know, but I feel that honesty is always the best policy.  I don't know why? Was it that from my previous studies that there was familiar territory?  I'm not sure but I am very very very grateful that I have done so well!  So that leaves just two more subjects...Cultural Studies, the one I'm most worried about, which is worth 6 marks and my English exam which is worth 3 marks.  Both are currently showing as awaiting marking, so I have no idea when I will find out those results. But I'm going to pat myself on the back, a wee bit, for my achievements thus far. Whatever happens beyond this course, whichever path fate decides I will travel, I must at least recognise how far I have come. I feel like a butterfly that's been suffocated within its cocoon for too long, and now I want the opportunity to spread my wings.  But both paths still lie ahead of me, the golden path and the darkness, which way will I be going?  Only time will tell, stay tuned in for the climax as we will both find out is this just a one hit wonder or the beginning of an entire series.  Be back soon...x

I should be so lucky...

Kylie provides my blog title this week.  I have finished college, taken my last exam, and am now just waiting for results.  And hoping that luck will be on my side.  Amazingly and unexpectedly I got a distinction for my dissertation!!! I am chuffed to bits as it was the piece of work I was most worried about, I still keep checking the online results for fear that there's been some kind of mistake.  But there hasn't , now I have the unenviable wait to see whether or not my results will mean that I get the sequel I've worked so hard for, but only time will tell.  This course has been amazing in every sense of the word! It has, without doubt changed my life. And I don't want this journey to end.  I'm still faced with two paths, and I'm still without oars and having to hold on and see which way the tide will take me, but I'm keeping my chin up, as I'm certain that whichever path I go down, it will be my first crossroad of many, there isn't just two options ahead of me, as there's always a plan b if I need one...x

Let the river run...

My title comes courtesy of Carly Simon, and considering my strong kayaking allegory throughout this blog,  I think that it is very appropriate.  Today is Tuesday, and this blog is only a few days from my last but I feel the need to vent.  Yesterday was the absolute and complete deadline for my last two essays.  They have gone.  I am powerless to change them now.  And so I'm sitting in my lounge desperately trying to revise for my last exam on Friday morning.  In my last blog I felt positive that my journey is not over yet, but self doubt is now running riot within me.  I'm not frightened about the exam per se as I know I've gone over it again and again, and will be setting myself a mock exam very shortly.  Instead Im frightened by the dark path lying ahead of me.  In the golden sunny path I can see a destination, a finish line, and  I know where I'm going.  The dark path unsettles me, there is no definite destination only darkness.  Last night I realised what that darkness represents, it represents me before I started on this course.  It's as if the lights have been dimmed for a very long time and then this course opened my eyes up to the technicolor all around me, and I don't want to go back to the dimness.  It's as though for years I have existed but in the last year I've lived! I've got my identity back. I've become a person in my own right again. Not a wife, a mother or hairdresser but just me! I don't want to let go of this again, I don't want to merely exist, I want to grab life by the balls and live it to the max.  I've already wasted too many years doing stuff I wasn't into, because I felt I should, but it didn't make me happy.  I always felt like there was something missing and could never put my finger on what that something was.  But now I know.  That missing piece was education, I thrive on it, I've worked my arse off since September and now it's coming to an end Im not thinking about resting, Im trying to work out projects to keep me busy.  The merest thought that this educational journey is coming to a close makes me want to cry!  Feeling very emotional indeed. This epiphany does not mean I want to make any changes to my private life obviously, Larry is the man I will hopefully grow old with, but he has seen the light within me dim over recent years until I began down this path. He knows that for the first time in a very long time I'm doing something that I love, and am milking it for all its worth.  And as for Meg, I would be feeling very alone were it not for my studying as Meg now reaches a time in her life when friends take priority over family. Don't get me wrong, there's no issues there, just that she has her own life outside of us now as do all girls her age. If I didn't have my studying I'd be the sad fat dog lady, sitting in the lounge each evening after work whilst Larry's working, and Megs studying/socialising, just eating and crying.  That's not a future I want to recognise. I'm just really really bad at this being in limbo situation! It's very difficult concentrating on my revision, because I don't want this to finish, I really don't.  I know I'm being silly, but I'm finding it very difficult to accept.  I'm already trying to line up projects to keep me busy beyond Friday, and trust me it won't be restful as I've loads to do, but it's not what I'd like to do, rather stuff that just needs to be done.  Feeling like a proper negative nelly today, I just want this so badly, more than Ive wanted anything in a very very long time.  So I'm just going to have to trust in the powers that be, that the river running free will guide my kayak down my rightful path.  Please?  If someone up there can hear me, please help my kayak out of the weeds and mud it's currently stuck in and send a breeze to power me down the golden path, to where I believe my future truly lies.  I don't want to go back into the dark...x

The never-ending story...

Not only is this blog title a brilliant song from my teens but it's an excellent film as well, and fits this week very well.  Well maybe not all week, but it does echoe my current mind set.  In all honesty I've spent most of this week in tears!  Going in for my final week at college has been very emotional to say the least. Last weekend I thought I was ahead of the game with my last two essays and even though I've worked less hours this week I just ran out of time.  Ended up having to hand in two essays that I wasn't 100% about in all honesty.  It's so hard knowing in my mind that those pieces of work could've been better, much much better, but they're not, they've gone and I can't do anything about them now.  It's a very very bitter pill to swallow.  Yesterday was my last English session, I'd written a poem to mark the last lesson and broke down whilst reading it out!  What an idiot!!! But I'm still glad I wrote the poem as otherwise I'd have felt even more depressed! Everyone says I'm being silly getting so upset, and it's not finished yet, my sunlight path is still in sight at present BUT so is the darker one.  The darker path houses all my insecurities and self doubt, that path has been empowered by my handing in work that I wasn't confident in.  The sunlight path hasn't been fuelled since my last set of results and that was nearly two months ago.  I just hate feeling in limbo, and Im very very much in limbo right now.  I've got one last exam next Friday, I've written my revision notes, my tutor has given them his approval, so I guess the rest is up to me. I have got time booked out all week to revise but I felt I needed some time to get my head straight last night and today.  But tomorrow I will revise. Larry will be out cycling all morning so I will revise then.  Part of me doesn't want to revise, doesn't want Friday to come because then this experience really will be over.  My kayak paddles will disintegrate after the exam, I will no longer have any control at all over where my life goes from here,  fate will power my kayak down whichever path has been chosen for me. Any shred of control will have been taken out of my hands, and for someone like me that's an incredibly frightening prospect to say the least.  After a journey filled with music there is now quiet, no sound at all, not even from me. But as my blog title states I have to have faith that my story, this story is not yet over.  If this particular journey is meant to continue then it will, if it isn't meant to be be then another door will open to me.  I just know that I'm not meant to stop exploring other options for my life.  I know I'm blessed in so many ways but I think that there are other chapters for me to read before my story is over. And so regardless of the exam, the results or my future educational aspirations, this story, this blog will continue...this is my never ending story....for now xxx

The Final Countdown...

As a secret rock chick, and from my teenage love of all soft rock comes my blog title this week. And it truly is the final countdown for me, whoever is in control of my personal film screening right now has their finger firmly pressed on the fast forward button, giving me zero opportunity to come up for air. To say that this course is all encompassing is an understatement, it has, (without sounding like some saddo from a TV talent show) been a completely life changing experience for me an experience that I will never regret.  I am not sure I really understood how hectic my life would be when I started down this path, and I sincerely hope that this path is not about to have an abrupt end.  I just need to be sure that the last pieces of work I hand in are the best that they can be, and that my revision notes for my exam are kick arse.  I'm certainly not giving up now!  I have come a long way since September, my mind is working far beyond its previous capabilities,  I feel that a whole new world of knowledge is opening up for me, but at the moment I'm peeking through the door in awe, but I'm not allowed to go in.  It's a frustrating feeling.  I'm a planner, in all aspects of my life. I like to know what I'm doing and where I'm going. I'm not big on surprises. Ever! Instead I am a perpetual Boy Scout I like to be prepared.  It's who I am, that will never change. However I'm not rigid in this, and can roll with the punches and think on my feet if I need to.  But I'd rather know ahead, I'd rather be able to plan.  And so here am I in limbo, where my life goes from here who knows.  I've always envisaged my finish line as getting the marks I need and progressing onto uni, however an alternate path has now become visible, it is a path I do not wish to tread, but my own self-doubt has put it there.  Whilst my ideal path is glowing with sunshine with the promise of uni, and a whole new world into learning, the alternate path is dull and dark, it is grey, uninviting, melancholic and sad.  I don't want to go down that path, but I don't get to make that decision. I hope and pray that my hard work will only lead me in one direction, to my dreams for the future, but the decision as to which way I go is out of my hands. And so here I sit, caught in the weeds with my kayak, knowing that Im stuck until help comes from either one path or the other to take me down the route Im destined to take. I just pray that fate will lead me into the sun, and not into the shade.  My theme song has gone quiet now, it cannot help me any longer, it is all down to me now, and whilst it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I'll be damned if I'm going to lie back and let the grey take over.  I hope Linzi is watching over me, and gives me a kick up the arse, as she was often prone to do, as I need her now more than ever before. So if you're listening Linzi, send me one of your happy dance tunes to help me onto the sunshine path.  Really miss you mate.  Wish me luck...x

I'm gonna be strong...

My blog title this week is not only one of my all time songs by the lovely Cyndi Lauper, but it also speaks from my heart.  None of what I've gone through during this course has been easy, although there are those I've come to know who may think that I've breezed through this course.  I guess I'm just good at making it all look easy, I am, metaphorically speaking, an iceberg. What you see on the surface is nothing compared to what is going on underneath.  I've worked my arse off since September, juggling college, coursework, my business, and my family, I've gone back to education after a 23 year absence.  Nothing about this course has been easy.  Now as I face my final pieces of work I want to go out on a high.  I will be gutted if this course does not enable me to continue my studies, but I have to be completely realistic.  My course at UEA has afforded me a conditional place, but it is dependant on my marks which is why these current assignments are more important than they have ever been! I've completely lost perspective at the moment.  Everyone who knows me talks about my future at uni, but it isn't in any way guaranteed, so it puts me under a great deal of pressure. I want, more than anything, to be able to accept that place at UEA but currently it is beyond my reach.  In my previous blog I used the metaphor of my being in a film about to reach its climax with no idea if I will be getting a sequel.  I'm living in limbo.  It's not a nice place to live. I don't want this course to end and I'm already saddened by the prospect but more upsetting is the premise that I will have worked so hard and sacrificed so much and still haven't achieved what I needed to.  My metaphorical kayak feels like I'm stuck in the mud, a short distance away I can see the finish line but getting there is not going to be incredibly difficult.  I'd love to be able to have a Michael Caine character in my life now, to guide and inspire me in the way Julie Walters character was inspired in Educating Rita. But I don't have that luxury. I only have myself to push me through this sludge to the finish line, though Larry and Megs support alongside the support of my friends has been incredible, these last pieces of work mean I'm having to go it alone.  But I am gonna be strong, I will promise you that x

The Eye of the Tiger...

It's the thrill of the fight, well so says Survivor.  Imagine if you will a montage of clips sped up that show the crux of a film reaching its climax.  I'm living that montage right now.  Life has sped up, everything is happening at a hundred miles an hour but I don't currently feel like there's a happy ending to all of this.  I have ideas for my last two essays.  I have quotes and bibliographies.  But by the end of this weekend I need two essays. Well a decent draft of each at least. On top of that I need to get hold of study notes for Shakespeare and watch at least one other version of the play.  On top of that I have my psychology trip to London on Thursday.  I've had my last ever Cultural Studies lesson yesterday, and my last ever study skills lesson today.  My dissertation has been handed in.  Everything is heading speedily towards the end credits but at this point I have no idea if 'Must be Mad-Donna' is coming back in a sequel.  It's like a thick fog has descended all around my Kayak, I cannot see where I'm going, it feels like I'm paddling through treacle with every move being laboured and difficult, my theme tune is drowned out by the head wind blowing directly towards me, but regardless I will push on, I will get through this, I will reach the finish line I will get my sequel if it kills me... X

Roar!

In the words of the great Katy Perry, 'you're gonna hear me roar!'.  Because as I head faster and faster to the finale of this course,in the hope that a new studying chapter will commence in September, I'm reminding myself that I've fought hard to get this far and I will be buggered if I'm going to drop the pace now.  Someone told me that this would be one of the most intense years of my life, and boy were they right!  This course, and all that I've learned whilst on it, has changed my life.  I really mean that.  It has re-ignited my passion for education.  I have loved each and every minute! Each low has just spurred me on to work harder, and the highs (like this weeks) make me float on air!  This week I got both my disastrous, or so I thought, English presentation mark back alongside the mark for my double unit Psychology report.  I got a distinction in both!  I am chuffed to bits and in a state of disbelief!  Studying, whilst I love it, does not come easy. I have to earn each and every single mark.  But truthfully, I wouldn't have it any other way because if it was easy I wouldn't get the same satisfaction for achievement.  The weeks are really flying by now, I only have one week left until I hand in my dissertation.  That's worth nine marks!!! Worth more than any other single or double unit on the entire course.  I just hope and pray that Margie will like mine or I'm totally screwed! The way I see it, my last two essays I have time to fine tune, to hone and edit them to make them the best that they can be.  My dissertation I have slaved over since February, maybe even earlier than that.  But my last exam is where I'm most concerned.  It's Shakespeare. And it's only one hour and fifteen minutes! I like to have time to analyse a text, I like to be able to read through with my glossary of terms and see what literary techniques have been used, I can take time to develop a point, and edit as I go along.  In an hour and fifteen mins with no glossary to refer to, my thoughts become jumbled, I can't remember the names of the literary terms, and my writing when rushed is very very difficult to understand.  I have emailed Chris and made him aware of my concerns and Im hoping he can steer me right, he has so far. I just have to keep knuckling down, doing my best and hope to god that it pays off.  I know I don't need to get distinctions to get into the UEA, but I really want to get them if I can.  I guess time will tell.  In the meantime I am paddling fast, there's a current going against me, but I can see the finish line, and can picture Larry and Meg at the line spurring me on all the way.  There's no way I'm going to let them down now, so listen out because hopefully it shouldn't be long until you hear me roar... X

The End of the Road...

In the immortal words of BoysIIMen the end of my first year as a student is now in sight.  And I cannot help but grieve that it is fast coming to a conclusion.  I've shelved any thought of Uni for now, as until I get all the marks that I need I'm not going anywhere.  I'm just trying to throw myself into these last few weeks so at least if I go out it'll at least be with a Big Bang safe in the knowledge that I have given this course my absolute best.  Has it been tough? Have I found it difficult? Have I sometimes wondered if Id ever get through it? Has it been the steepest and speediest learning curve known to man? Yes, yes, yes and Oh my god yes!!! But have I loved every minute of it? Without a doubt.  I'm still waiting for both my Psychology report and the horrendous English presentation, the results should be in by next Friday, not that I will be able to look at either for fear of a bad result.  But right now I'm concentrating on the pieces of work that are to come.  I've tweaked my dissertation and am about ready to put it aside.  I've hit the word count exactly, and Im happy with how it reads.  It has to be handed in on the 17th may, just over two weeks time.  In the meantime I'm now working on a non assessed presentation for next Friday which details my final essay for psychology, we were given the freedom of choosing our own question, and as I don't want to be replicating my dissertation (it has a strong social psychological base) I've decided on 'Do 'Gentlemen prefer blondes'?.  I've found lots of really good resources and am waiting for four books to arrive via Amazon.  It's a surreptitious link to my current role in hairdressing. This course has cost me a fortune in books!!! This presentation will help as a kind of essay plan, to organise my thoughts.  Then I need to move onto doing a mind map for my last essay for Cultural studies, I've chosen to focus on the book 'Persepolis' a graphic novel.  I've never read a graphic novel before, but they are a very interesting medium, I've read another graphic novel called 'Maus' to offer a comparison text.  It was the saddest book I've ever read, telling the story of an auschwitz survivor.  And now I need to read another normal novel called 'Reading Lolita in Tehran' as an additional comparison piece.  I will also be using a chapter from Salman Rushdies 'Imaginary Homelands' as well as articles I hope to find through research.  This is my final piece of work for Cultural Studies, a double unit, therefore a 2000 word essay.  Cultural Studies has turned out to be my favourite subject, and yet I didn't even know what it was in September! And so now I can see the finish line, there are some tricky manoeuvres needed to see me through to the next stage but I'm hopeful that I can keep my head above water, forge strongly through the waterway that lies ahead, and finish this course and my paddling on a high.  So if youre  reading this from beyond Linzi, please could you send some good vibes my way.  The first year of my journey is almost at an an end but I feel like she has been with me every step of the way.  Miss you mate xxx

The tears of a clown...

My title for this week is both an expression of the week I've had but is also a description of me in general.  Firstly me.  I've used humour as a mask my whole life, it's normally used to hide my inner insecurities.  My humour is very self deprecating, but it helps to keep me going when I'm feeling uncertain.  This week.  Sadly my clown mask could not help me.  Yesterday was my english exam, this time in the form of a 10 minute presentation and accompanying 400 word essay.  I spent many hours working on both parts required over the Easter holidays.  Unfortunately this week I've found it very hard to get my head back in the game.  Long hours combined with a rather unpleasant encounter with a client (now ex client) meant that my first chance to revisit and practice my presentation wasn't until Thursday evening.  By this point I was feeling very stressed! Not to mention unprepared.  Being the consummate Boy Scout this left me very unnerved for the presentation, but I thought I could buoy my confidence by 'looking the part'.  Sadly the extra time this took meant I ran late, had to chase Megs bus, had to get fuel, and missed my normal bus from the park and ride.  Upon arriving at college I felt I could breath a sigh of relief, but unfortunately  not.  As I sat preparing for my presentation I realised my student ID had gone amiss which meant time spent organising getting a new one to enable me to hand in my work post presentation.  This was the straw... I am a person who likes to have a handle on things and I felt like I was hopelessly falling with little hope of stopping myself.  My class mates were fantastic and sensing my nerves kindly allowed me to go first.  At this point my classmate Steph said I turned grey.  Chris, my teacher, asked if I was ok as I didn't look well and as he said that the tears came, my mask slipped and my insecurities were revealed for all to see.  I excused myself quickly but the damage was already done.  I'd had a meltdown in front of everyone and I felt like Id humiliated myself.  I did my best to pull myself together in the toilets and returned to do my presentation.  I lost my place a couple of times, I stumbled over my words, and didn't get half of the info in that I wanted to, and I ran out of time.  The projector wasn't set up right which threw me as well.  I was massively relieved when it was over but also massively kicking myself as all my hard work had not been presented with any level of justice.  Weirdly, I was equally upset that Chris my teacher would be disappointed in me.  It was awful!!!! The best presentations within the group were by Lucy and Adam, but everyone else's were about on par with mine.  None of us felt that we had done very well and all felt that Chris seemed generally underwhelmed by our presentations.  I've just got to hope and pray that my submitted piece of written work boosts my bad presentation.  I'm feeling the pressure that every piece of work that I do now could mean the difference between going to uni or not.  I've worked so hard and I only have a few more obstacles to get over.  I do not want to fail now or it will all have been a waste.  Night has suddenly fallen on my waterway, the tide is so strong and I've been paddling so hard, for so long, and I'm tired.  So tired.  But I'm not giving up.  I will either win through this or die trying.  I've just got to put yesterday behind me and look to the light at the end of this tunnel.  It's hard to see ahead of me, it's tough going but I've got to keep faith, keep my head up, take pride in how far I've come and just keep on paddling...x

I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date....

Okay I'm sorry it's been at least a month since my last confession...well maybe this isn't a confessional but it does feel like that at times my life is flashing by at a rate of knots at the moment. I've just submitted my psychology experiment, hopefully I will have done enough to get a good mark. I worked really hard on it! I've written a draft of my dissertation and have started revising and editing it. I'm working on my next English assessment which is a presentation along with a 400 word close analysis, I've written a draft for the 400 words I just need to tweak it, and I'm set up the PowerPoint for my presentation, I've just got to load it up with the notes I've already written. On top of that I'm about to start reading Persepolis, the final piece we are going to be looking at for Cultural Studies. It's mad but I don't think I even realise how much I've been working until I put it down in print. On a personal level I was laid up last week with a terrible cold but more seriously I'm having severe 'women's problems' so much so that I have an internal scan booked for Thursday. Aren't I the lucky one! No point worrying about it, my focus is all on college right now. It's scary that after Easter I have only got 8 teaching weeks left!!!!!! 8!!!!!!! This course has breathed fresh air into my lungs, it has re-ignited my love of learning, it has blown away the cobwebs from my brain. I have devoured this course! I love it! But sadly it is moving along so rapidly that my time on this course is getting ever closer to its finale. It's a show I don't want to end. Strangely I feel as though I'm coasting in my metaphorical kayak right now, whilst I can see the finish line, I'm not certain I want to cross it. At college I've settled, I know my classmates, I've made friends (although honestly I expect our paths beyond this point will lead us all in different directions) and I know my teachers and setting well. I even know the cafe staff by first names! Beyond that finish line right now is only darkness, as until I know my final marks from this course there won't be any more studying, so I'm holding myself back and working my arse off right now to chip away at the darkness beyond. I've chipped away a third of the darkness, there are shards of light shining through that darkness, but I need to power through, hold firm and hope and pray that for once my best will be enough. I'm listening to my theme, imagining what could be beyond this course, but staying real. They say it ain't over until the fat lady sings. Well trust me, if Im fortunate enough, I've no doubt they'll be hearing me sing from miles around...xxx

The first cut is the deepest...

Last week was my first disappointment from a coursework marking perspective. Because I'd felt that I was flying high, to get a lower grade than I expected really knocked me for six! I was so disappointed. And I really couldn't see where I'd gone wrong. Thankfully my lecturer went through it with me on Friday and now I think I get it. Whilst I was adept at pointing out literary techniques and showing the evidence of them I did not explain their impact on the overall piece. You are supposed to PEE which means POINT, EVIDENCE and EXPLAIN. I pointed and evidenced but didn't explain. It's a lesson I really needed to learn and hopefully my future pieces of work will be better as a result of last weeks devastation. This week has gone ok, it's crazy how little time I have left on this course! I've got lots of work to keep on top on but it's all made easier when I have a target to aim for. I am still in shock that UEA said 'Yes!' I can't remember the last time I actually sobbed with joy, truly sobbed!!!! With joy!!!!! I've sobbed with sadness but not with joy. Feeling more tired than usual, spent most of yesterday doing wedding hair, whilst I was honoured to be part of a lovely brides day it is also emotionally and physically draining. Trying to chill a bit today, in between getting crazed by the dogs! Still got coursework to do today but just needed a little time out, so warming myself in front of the fire, desperately trying not to fall asleep. My kayak seems to have hit a current at the moment, so I need to crank my theme back up, and use all my strength to paddle hard to the finish line. It's in sight, there are no major obstacles in my path, it's all a case of my working hard to reach the finish, and get my medal. I'm not letting anything get in the way of my reaching my target, not even tiredness. Del Boy would say 'sleep is for wimps', I'm no wimp I'm not wimping out now!!!!! Go, go, go xxx

Life is a roller coaster...

I'm a day early I know, but it's been a hell of a week! On a personal level I was able to live out the dream of standing centre stage at the Theatre a Royal Norwich to an applauding audience. That's off of my bucket list now. So how? I hear you ask. Well, a friend and I went to see Priscilla -Queen of the Desert on Saturdays matinee performance. We had middle front row tickets so therefore a perfect view. As we sat in our seats I noticed a step to the right of the stage, and suggested to my friend that maybe they'd get people up on stage. It was then I told her of how I'd been on the theatre Royal stage once before, but the curtains had been closed, and I'd wished for the chance to see the view from the stage with an audience. Then the show started, and the 'step' was in fact for a signer for those with hearing issues.  Anyway, we were in the bar at the intermission and I stood behind my friend while she got drinks. Suddenly I heard a voice in my head, it said 'you're going on the stage'. I discounted it, just thought I was daydreaming. Then as we stood drinking our drinks we were approached by the dance team captain of the show, he asked us to go on stage. So while everyone else took their seats, us and 8 others were lead through to back stage, and one by one we were taken into stage by the professional dancers and instructed in what to do, then we were skipping in a circle around a character on stage whilst the dancers abandoned us!!!! Then we were led up to the front of stage to take a bow to the audience, I was slap bang in the middle! It all happened so quickly, but it was amazing!  Then we had to run back to our seats do that we didn't miss any of the performance. During the performance two of the main actors locked eyes with me, and then in their curtain call they spoke directly to me and blew me kisses! It was an incredible experience! The lady sitting next to my friend thought I knew the actors! I wish! What a day! Then Sunday was spent trying to get my head straight and my nails right ready for my UEA interview on Monday. Yes. The most important interview of my life so far! I was as prepared as I felt I could be. I was nervous as hell but I asked those I love that are no longer here to be my moral support, I'm sure they were with me. I was interviewed by 3 people, a lecturer from the course, a service user and a social worker. I felt the social worker and service user liked me but wasn't so sure about the lecturer. But I liked the fact that although I was in a huge university, the social work school is just one floor of a building. I was taken on a tour after my interview (over an hour but meant to be 45 mins!) by Shelley, a lovely girl who is in yr 1 of the course. She answered questions in a way that staff wouldn't have and I was happy with her answers. The trouble is after the interview I knew that I really wanted to go there, and that the odds were heavily stacked against me, and speaking to Shelley made this all the more apparent to me. Monday night was spent mourning the fact that I wouldn't get the opportunity to go where I really wanted to, and resigning myself to having the accept my conditional place at Ipswich. Nothing against Ipswich, but I just wanted to go to UEA. Tuesday daytime meant work, then Tuesday night was back at the theatre for the Adam Hills show, booked for Heather's (my honorary sis) birthday. It was a late night, followed by a very early morning as I hit the train to Cambridege for my Anglian Ruskin University open day. I knew straight away that it wasn't the university for me, but was grateful for the experience. Got home just after 4pm, was freezing cold, starving (nothing since 5am breakfast!) and absolutely drained. It was then I did something really stupid. I checked to see if my English essay mark was in. It was. And I was heartbroken. Instead of the distinction I'd hoped for,
I'd only got a merit. I worked out that I spent around 50 hrs on that essay.  I really truly thought it was the best piece Id written since the start of this course, and yet I'd only been marked as a merit. I was completely devastated. Weds late afternoon and night was spent crying, rethinking the essay, going through the feedback and still not understanding how I'd got it so wrong. So I emailed Chris, my lecturer and he's going to talk it through with me next Friday at college. For some reason getting the merit mark made me think that this whole dream was going to come crashing around my head, I had a real confidence crisis. A massive dip. Admittedly I haven't had a proper break since the onset of this course, and I think I'm just very very tired. Thursday I knew I had a 13 hr day ahead, and I decided not to upset myself and ignore my emails. However by lunchtime I'd forgotten that plan. And a message came through to say I needed to check my UCAS track. Omg UEA have refused me. Again! But I thought I may as well get all the upset over in one go, so I logged into track to see what had changed. UEA. THEY SAID YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! They actually said YES!!!!! The UEA wants me to study there! I went from rock bottom, to the clouds in one movement. I sobbed tears of joy! I cannot remember the last time I felt that happy! The rest of my day went by in a blur, then on Friday Anglia Ruskin said yes too!!!!! So I got a yes from all five of my choices! Though the offers are all conditional. So I just need to make sure I keep this momentum up so that I can achieve my required grades and take my place as a student at the UEA. I still cannot believe that it's not some big mistake. I am so grateful to my moral support on the day and despite this week being like Ronan Keatings song (and this weeks title), I can clearly see a light at the end of the tunnel. Yes there will still be a current to paddle against but I can see the finish line in site, and nothing is going to stop me from crossing it...x

Ease on down and the road...

In the words of the late great Michael Jackson, I'm treading a difficult path but I'm going to do my damndest to enjoy the journey. And yes I'm sorry if I'm starting to sound like one of those back stories on X factor, but this is no cliche here, it's the truth!  It's half term but this week won't be giving me much of a break, but I've worked to ensure that despite my lack of time off I shouldn't have too much homework to do while I'm off.  I did get to go and see Priscilla-Queen of the desert on sat matinee, and got to dance on stage!!! Ah-maze-ing!!!!! Then back home for study, and studied all day Sunday, and prepped for yesterday's interview at UEA. YES. UEA. The most important of my interviews, I really want to go there! More than anywhere else. I gave it my best shot, I guess I've just got to wait and see now, but the wait is going to be tough. Last week our presentation for cultural studies went well, and I think I'm finally getting the hang of this poetry lark in English, and I've written 3/4 of my dissertation, though it's going to need major editing! But I will get there. Was hoping for my English essay results but they've not come in yet despite sour lecturer saying we would have them by mid week last week.  I'm nervous about how I've done, I really want to keep my marks at distinctions, I gave that essay a lot, I just hope that it has paid off  I really really do!  Anyway Im keeping on with my paddling, the weather is improving and the destination is just within sight, I just hope that my determinism, and stoicism can keep me moving forward in what will undoubtably be rocky tides...

Hang tough...

To be completely honest I'm feeling pretty rough at the mo.  I've got some kind of tummy bug which equals extreme period type pain alongside an upset stomach. My weekend of coursework has been done with a permanent heat pad on my tummy. Still I have pulled together a PowerPoint for tomorrow's Cultural Studies class, completed some additional work on The Lady of Shalott, as it's currently my front runner as far as my poetry presentation is concerned,  I've written up as much as I can of my method for my psychology experiment as well as organising my appendices, and my bibliography, I've also written about 1/3 of my dissertation as well as getting my bibliography done for that too.  So I'm on schedule at least even if I'm feeling pretty crappy. This course is taxing, there's no two ways about it but my only complaint is that I don't get as much time to study as I'd like. This course has given me my brain back. I think my brain had begun to curl up and die.  But I could liken this course to the film 'Awakenings'. I feel like I've been asleep for far too long and I've finally been awakened to what was missing from my life. I've felt for a very long time that something was missing, I even felt guilty for feeling that way, as I'm fully aware of how lucky I am with my life and my family.  This course, or education in general, is what was missing. I'd looked to be fulfilled and couldn't find what I was looking for, but now I have and I'm very very grateful for that. Despite my current bug ridden state, I could not allow myself this weekend to wallow in a pit of self pity, or allow myself to be ill. Instead I've worked through it. Mentally I feel stronger than I have in a long time even though my body may currently be weak. And so although my paddling right now is poor to say the very least, my mind is able to push to get every last resolve out of me, to keep me moving in the right direction. For now my progress is slow, but is sure none the less, and alongside my theme I've got the Backstreet Boys willing me along...

Keep on moving...

I cannot tell you how tired I am at the moment. No results back re English essay yet, but I was fortunate enough to get a distinction in my cultural studies exam. I'm so chuffed!!!! I cannot tell you how chuffed! Im really going to have to get some sleep in, this blog itself is late, feeling like my kayak has hit a massive current right now. I'm still paddling like hell, but I'm not getting anywhere! Going to spend this weekend getting all my college work sorted, and getting some rest too. Feel drained. Not just because of the course but my other commitments, work is crazy, really really crazy!!!! Plus there's loads going on at home state the mo, Megs sorting out her options for her GCSE's, we've got no bathroom at present, and I'm fighting a cold. So it's all go. I have confidence that I will get over this obstacle, find a way through this current or at least see a turn in the tide. BUT I NEED TO GET SOME SLEEP!!!!! I'd love a long hot soak in the tub, but there are no walls to my bathroom right now, let alone a bathtub! Just worrying now as to how I've done in my english essay, plus working hard to build a strong psychology project, alongside working on my dissertation as well as the other work.  Not forgetting the reading I'm doing in preparation for my UEA interview on my week off. Phew!!!!! Not much there then! Just need to take it a subject and piece of work at a time and hopefully it won't be too long until the currents running with me rather than against me. As the song says 'Keep on moving don't stop , no...' My theme is still playing. I just need to crank up the volume. Get my head back in my the game. And trust that working hard will pay off...in the meantime I will keep on moving.

Happy...

Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof...clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth! I feel happy to have Larry home from Skiing! So pleased that he came home safely! Last week was sooooooo tough!!!! I had an exam on Monday, then my English essay had to go in last week too! It's scary how quickly the weeks are flying by now! I've got my presentation for study skills tomorrow, for my dissertation. I'm looking forward to it, want to get it done so that I can start writing my dissertation. Plus I've just got my first participant for my psychology experiment.  I just need to get another 29 participants at least! Got to get them all by Friday week. I'm afraid Im in between clients so this weeks blog will be short but hopefully sweet. My songs playing, I'm paddling like hell, and hoping that I can see blue skies soon both metaphorically and in reality. So for now it's TTFN and chocks away x

You gotta be...

As the lovely Des'ree sings 'you gotta be bold, you gotta be wise, you gotta be stronger!' You're right there! Undertaking this course is probably one of the toughest things I've ever had to do. I have been stretched both physically and emotionally by this course. Just when I think I have no more to give, I've  found that this course has asked for more!!! I feel like I'm Mr Bumble from Oliver with all of my lecturers and the universities I've applied for, all lined up holding out their bowls asking for more.     It's tough, it's scary, I often doubt my own ability but I am tough, and I do want to study a degree more than anything I've ever wanted! And if it kills me I'm going to do it. I know that I would make a great social worker, I know I can be a better social worker than those I've had dealings with in the past, and I know that if one of the universities give me an opportunity. I will prove to them that they've made the right decision. I've got my UCS interview tomorrow, so lots of reading ahead for me this evening, then a weekend of revision for my Cultural Studies exam on Monday, plus a look at my english exam. I'm happy with the content, I just want to play around with it a bit.  Getting those distinctions was fantastic but it just means all of my lecturers expect more from me now, as long as I've done my best I can hold my head up high, but to be honest I want all distinctions from now on. My paddling is a bit frantic at the mo, I'm finding it tough going, and the waterway ahead is very windy but I'm a tough cookie, Im determined, very stubborn and not about to rely on the current. I will forge ahead if it kills me. I will think of Linzi and with my theme turned onto full volume I'm going to keep on paddling...x

The long and winding road...

So I've been away for a couple of weeks but I've been ridiculously busy! Not only have I hosted Christmas for both sets of parents, organised and wrapped all presents, and generally been superwoman but on top of that I've worked my butt off studying. Larry and Meg bought me a huge retro angle poise lamp for the lounge, which makes my studying, or at least being able to see to study much easier.  I was lucky enough to be gifted with wine (though I don't drink) and cash, and lots of chocolates, which I think we will still all be eating at Easter! Anyway, not only did I have lots of college work to do but I had to provide extra information as to my relevant experience for my UEA application, followed up by an email requesting a 1000 word essay.  That's not all, I've had to work on the prep for my UCS interview. I'm hoping that Anglia Ruskin will also come back to me to confirm a new interview date.  And I'm hoping that the UEA invite me to interview. With all the work I've had to do I'd be very disappointed if I didn't get an interview now. My only low point is that I haven't actually started to even think about my English essay and it's due in in under two weeks! And I will be missing my English lesson on fri 15th as I will be at UCS interview!  Guess I will have to hope and pray that I'm able to get enough from this weeks English lesson to kick arse in the essay. I've not decided which short story to cover yet, but I will have to choose by Friday. I've also got my Cultural Studies exam on the 18th!!! It's CR-AZY!!! Margie said that after Christmas time would fly and we needed to really knuckle down, well she wasn't kidding! It's only 6 weeks until half term! So much to do! Not enough time to do it! But I will do it, if it kills me! This is hard, but I've gone through much harder.  This road is long and winding, and right now it feels like my kayak is moving through sludge, I can see clearly the route ahead but I'm bogged down and making slow progress. The additional uni work has added extra weight to my kayak, to forge ahead along this waterway is going to be tough.  But I am tough. And it's going to get tougher yet, so I'm going to turn up my song to full volume, roll up the sleeves, and paddle like my life depends on it!...