Let the river run...

My title comes courtesy of Carly Simon, and considering my strong kayaking allegory throughout this blog,  I think that it is very appropriate.  Today is Tuesday, and this blog is only a few days from my last but I feel the need to vent.  Yesterday was the absolute and complete deadline for my last two essays.  They have gone.  I am powerless to change them now.  And so I'm sitting in my lounge desperately trying to revise for my last exam on Friday morning.  In my last blog I felt positive that my journey is not over yet, but self doubt is now running riot within me.  I'm not frightened about the exam per se as I know I've gone over it again and again, and will be setting myself a mock exam very shortly.  Instead Im frightened by the dark path lying ahead of me.  In the golden sunny path I can see a destination, a finish line, and  I know where I'm going.  The dark path unsettles me, there is no definite destination only darkness.  Last night I realised what that darkness represents, it represents me before I started on this course.  It's as if the lights have been dimmed for a very long time and then this course opened my eyes up to the technicolor all around me, and I don't want to go back to the dimness.  It's as though for years I have existed but in the last year I've lived! I've got my identity back. I've become a person in my own right again. Not a wife, a mother or hairdresser but just me! I don't want to let go of this again, I don't want to merely exist, I want to grab life by the balls and live it to the max.  I've already wasted too many years doing stuff I wasn't into, because I felt I should, but it didn't make me happy.  I always felt like there was something missing and could never put my finger on what that something was.  But now I know.  That missing piece was education, I thrive on it, I've worked my arse off since September and now it's coming to an end Im not thinking about resting, Im trying to work out projects to keep me busy.  The merest thought that this educational journey is coming to a close makes me want to cry!  Feeling very emotional indeed. This epiphany does not mean I want to make any changes to my private life obviously, Larry is the man I will hopefully grow old with, but he has seen the light within me dim over recent years until I began down this path. He knows that for the first time in a very long time I'm doing something that I love, and am milking it for all its worth.  And as for Meg, I would be feeling very alone were it not for my studying as Meg now reaches a time in her life when friends take priority over family. Don't get me wrong, there's no issues there, just that she has her own life outside of us now as do all girls her age. If I didn't have my studying I'd be the sad fat dog lady, sitting in the lounge each evening after work whilst Larry's working, and Megs studying/socialising, just eating and crying.  That's not a future I want to recognise. I'm just really really bad at this being in limbo situation! It's very difficult concentrating on my revision, because I don't want this to finish, I really don't.  I know I'm being silly, but I'm finding it very difficult to accept.  I'm already trying to line up projects to keep me busy beyond Friday, and trust me it won't be restful as I've loads to do, but it's not what I'd like to do, rather stuff that just needs to be done.  Feeling like a proper negative nelly today, I just want this so badly, more than Ive wanted anything in a very very long time.  So I'm just going to have to trust in the powers that be, that the river running free will guide my kayak down my rightful path.  Please?  If someone up there can hear me, please help my kayak out of the weeds and mud it's currently stuck in and send a breeze to power me down the golden path, to where I believe my future truly lies.  I don't want to go back into the dark...x