The never-ending story...

Not only is this blog title a brilliant song from my teens but it's an excellent film as well, and fits this week very well.  Well maybe not all week, but it does echoe my current mind set.  In all honesty I've spent most of this week in tears!  Going in for my final week at college has been very emotional to say the least. Last weekend I thought I was ahead of the game with my last two essays and even though I've worked less hours this week I just ran out of time.  Ended up having to hand in two essays that I wasn't 100% about in all honesty.  It's so hard knowing in my mind that those pieces of work could've been better, much much better, but they're not, they've gone and I can't do anything about them now.  It's a very very bitter pill to swallow.  Yesterday was my last English session, I'd written a poem to mark the last lesson and broke down whilst reading it out!  What an idiot!!! But I'm still glad I wrote the poem as otherwise I'd have felt even more depressed! Everyone says I'm being silly getting so upset, and it's not finished yet, my sunlight path is still in sight at present BUT so is the darker one.  The darker path houses all my insecurities and self doubt, that path has been empowered by my handing in work that I wasn't confident in.  The sunlight path hasn't been fuelled since my last set of results and that was nearly two months ago.  I just hate feeling in limbo, and Im very very much in limbo right now.  I've got one last exam next Friday, I've written my revision notes, my tutor has given them his approval, so I guess the rest is up to me. I have got time booked out all week to revise but I felt I needed some time to get my head straight last night and today.  But tomorrow I will revise. Larry will be out cycling all morning so I will revise then.  Part of me doesn't want to revise, doesn't want Friday to come because then this experience really will be over.  My kayak paddles will disintegrate after the exam, I will no longer have any control at all over where my life goes from here,  fate will power my kayak down whichever path has been chosen for me. Any shred of control will have been taken out of my hands, and for someone like me that's an incredibly frightening prospect to say the least.  After a journey filled with music there is now quiet, no sound at all, not even from me. But as my blog title states I have to have faith that my story, this story is not yet over.  If this particular journey is meant to continue then it will, if it isn't meant to be be then another door will open to me.  I just know that I'm not meant to stop exploring other options for my life.  I know I'm blessed in so many ways but I think that there are other chapters for me to read before my story is over. And so regardless of the exam, the results or my future educational aspirations, this story, this blog will continue...this is my never ending story....for now xxx