I'm gonna be strong...

My blog title this week is not only one of my all time songs by the lovely Cyndi Lauper, but it also speaks from my heart.  None of what I've gone through during this course has been easy, although there are those I've come to know who may think that I've breezed through this course.  I guess I'm just good at making it all look easy, I am, metaphorically speaking, an iceberg. What you see on the surface is nothing compared to what is going on underneath.  I've worked my arse off since September, juggling college, coursework, my business, and my family, I've gone back to education after a 23 year absence.  Nothing about this course has been easy.  Now as I face my final pieces of work I want to go out on a high.  I will be gutted if this course does not enable me to continue my studies, but I have to be completely realistic.  My course at UEA has afforded me a conditional place, but it is dependant on my marks which is why these current assignments are more important than they have ever been! I've completely lost perspective at the moment.  Everyone who knows me talks about my future at uni, but it isn't in any way guaranteed, so it puts me under a great deal of pressure. I want, more than anything, to be able to accept that place at UEA but currently it is beyond my reach.  In my previous blog I used the metaphor of my being in a film about to reach its climax with no idea if I will be getting a sequel.  I'm living in limbo.  It's not a nice place to live. I don't want this course to end and I'm already saddened by the prospect but more upsetting is the premise that I will have worked so hard and sacrificed so much and still haven't achieved what I needed to.  My metaphorical kayak feels like I'm stuck in the mud, a short distance away I can see the finish line but getting there is not going to be incredibly difficult.  I'd love to be able to have a Michael Caine character in my life now, to guide and inspire me in the way Julie Walters character was inspired in Educating Rita. But I don't have that luxury. I only have myself to push me through this sludge to the finish line, though Larry and Megs support alongside the support of my friends has been incredible, these last pieces of work mean I'm having to go it alone.  But I am gonna be strong, I will promise you that x