The tears of a clown...

My title for this week is both an expression of the week I've had but is also a description of me in general.  Firstly me.  I've used humour as a mask my whole life, it's normally used to hide my inner insecurities.  My humour is very self deprecating, but it helps to keep me going when I'm feeling uncertain.  This week.  Sadly my clown mask could not help me.  Yesterday was my english exam, this time in the form of a 10 minute presentation and accompanying 400 word essay.  I spent many hours working on both parts required over the Easter holidays.  Unfortunately this week I've found it very hard to get my head back in the game.  Long hours combined with a rather unpleasant encounter with a client (now ex client) meant that my first chance to revisit and practice my presentation wasn't until Thursday evening.  By this point I was feeling very stressed! Not to mention unprepared.  Being the consummate Boy Scout this left me very unnerved for the presentation, but I thought I could buoy my confidence by 'looking the part'.  Sadly the extra time this took meant I ran late, had to chase Megs bus, had to get fuel, and missed my normal bus from the park and ride.  Upon arriving at college I felt I could breath a sigh of relief, but unfortunately  not.  As I sat preparing for my presentation I realised my student ID had gone amiss which meant time spent organising getting a new one to enable me to hand in my work post presentation.  This was the straw... I am a person who likes to have a handle on things and I felt like I was hopelessly falling with little hope of stopping myself.  My class mates were fantastic and sensing my nerves kindly allowed me to go first.  At this point my classmate Steph said I turned grey.  Chris, my teacher, asked if I was ok as I didn't look well and as he said that the tears came, my mask slipped and my insecurities were revealed for all to see.  I excused myself quickly but the damage was already done.  I'd had a meltdown in front of everyone and I felt like Id humiliated myself.  I did my best to pull myself together in the toilets and returned to do my presentation.  I lost my place a couple of times, I stumbled over my words, and didn't get half of the info in that I wanted to, and I ran out of time.  The projector wasn't set up right which threw me as well.  I was massively relieved when it was over but also massively kicking myself as all my hard work had not been presented with any level of justice.  Weirdly, I was equally upset that Chris my teacher would be disappointed in me.  It was awful!!!! The best presentations within the group were by Lucy and Adam, but everyone else's were about on par with mine.  None of us felt that we had done very well and all felt that Chris seemed generally underwhelmed by our presentations.  I've just got to hope and pray that my submitted piece of written work boosts my bad presentation.  I'm feeling the pressure that every piece of work that I do now could mean the difference between going to uni or not.  I've worked so hard and I only have a few more obstacles to get over.  I do not want to fail now or it will all have been a waste.  Night has suddenly fallen on my waterway, the tide is so strong and I've been paddling so hard, for so long, and I'm tired.  So tired.  But I'm not giving up.  I will either win through this or die trying.  I've just got to put yesterday behind me and look to the light at the end of this tunnel.  It's hard to see ahead of me, it's tough going but I've got to keep faith, keep my head up, take pride in how far I've come and just keep on paddling...x