I dreamed a dream....

I'm so excited! This is it! This time I know it's for real! I believe I can fly! There are countless song titles to express how Im feeling right now!  My results are all in!  And I got a distinction in my English exam! So I've finished this course with a 99% attendance rate, with my only absence being that I'd gone to a University interview.  I've got 3 marks at merit and 42 marks at distinction, alongside 15 passes (they were pass/fail results) and I am beyond chuffed!  I worked my arse off throughout this course, alongside running my salon and my household. It's been my biggest challenge to date both physically, mentally and emotionally, but I have loved it! Truly loved it!  I'm so pleased that I've hit the entry marks for UEA but I feel like I'm dreaming right now. Until I get a confirmation of a guaranteed place I'm not counting my chickens.  But as far as this course is concerned a strong wind has arisen behind me, and I'm being blown towards the light, towards a new beginning to my life, a chance for me to progress myself both mentally and emotionally, to achieve a lifelong dream!  Simultaneously I'm reflecting on the reason I started down this path, and wishing Linzi was here to celebrate with me now, but she isn't here. I really miss her.  She's often in my thoughts and she's still my driving force, whenever I've felt I couldn't be arsed it's as though she's been there to tell me to get on with it.  I hope her spirit remains with me as I travel across the sea that's now in view. I know land will be a long way off, there will be choppy waves ahead and obstacles in my way, but I hope that Linzi will be travelling this route with me...x

Sweet dreams are made of this....

Thanks Annie for this blog title, but I'm pinching myself here! I cannot really believe this!!! I've literally just gone on Facebook to find a post telling me that the Cultural Studies results were up. Immediately I felt sick to the stomach as deep down I knew I'd handed in a piece of work that I wasn't 100%happy with.  I've probably worried more about this essay than any other because I wanted to prove how much I have loved this subject. It has been my favourite, and were I younger I would study it at degree. But I'm not. And I do want to study Social work.  And so the result.... A Distinction!!!! That's another full house. A full house in Cultural Studies  and a full house in Psychology.  I've already got a merit in my English short story assessment so I can't get a full house there, but I am beyond chuffed to have got this distinction!  This was a really important one to me, it means a lot!  And so I sit in my kayak and there's a soft breeze behind me, finally after being stuck for so long I'm drifting ahead, I'm not heading directly down my chosen path but I'm a hell of a lot closer.  One more mark to go, don't know if I can stand the suspense much longer...x

Waiting to a star to fall...

So said the lyrics of the 'Boy meets girl's' song of the early 90's, probably remembered most by fans of the film Three Men and a Baby.  But I feel like I am waiting for a star to fall.  That star being my last grades for this course.  So I'm either hoping that either these stars will fall, or my accomplishment and hard work will cause me to rise up amongst the stars as I reach upward to my dream of studying a degree. A dream that I have had for many years and always thought was unattainable. Scarily now that dream is within my grasp, it seems further away than ever before. To get to the point at I'm at now has taken dedication, focus, life juggling skills beyond any of I'd had to use before, and sacrifice.  I've had to sacrifice time with family and friends, and sadly some friendships or what I thought were friendships have disappeared altogether.  But by my reckoning if those friends didn't support me in my quest for education, then they are not proper friends.  So I'm sat in limbo,  my kayak is back afloat, the reeds which tethered me have sunk into the water, but the water is still.  I'm just sat waiting for the breeze to blow me in the direction that fate has decided for me.  If nothing else I can look at myself in the mirror and know in my heart that I have given this course my absolute best! I had nothing left in the reservoir, though in honesty I may have changed my last two essays if I'd had more time. But I didn't, so I will just have to resign myself to that.  So I'm just waiting ....waiting....and waiting some more....watch this space x

What a difference a day makes...

...24 little hours.  Yes Dinah Washington (today's blog title contributor) the last 24 hrs are another step closer to my dream of studying a degree.  My friend Mel texted me late yesterday afternoon to tell me that the Psychology marks were in, and I had to wait a full hour before I was able to have a look! Very frustrating! Part of me was too scared to look, but thank god I got another distinction! So that means that in all of my Psychology units I got full marks!  To say I'm chuffed is an understatement! But I also feel the need to acknowledge that the Psychology part of this course is where I have put the least work. That's a crappy admission I know, but I feel that honesty is always the best policy.  I don't know why? Was it that from my previous studies that there was familiar territory?  I'm not sure but I am very very very grateful that I have done so well!  So that leaves just two more subjects...Cultural Studies, the one I'm most worried about, which is worth 6 marks and my English exam which is worth 3 marks.  Both are currently showing as awaiting marking, so I have no idea when I will find out those results. But I'm going to pat myself on the back, a wee bit, for my achievements thus far. Whatever happens beyond this course, whichever path fate decides I will travel, I must at least recognise how far I have come. I feel like a butterfly that's been suffocated within its cocoon for too long, and now I want the opportunity to spread my wings.  But both paths still lie ahead of me, the golden path and the darkness, which way will I be going?  Only time will tell, stay tuned in for the climax as we will both find out is this just a one hit wonder or the beginning of an entire series.  Be back soon...x

I should be so lucky...

Kylie provides my blog title this week.  I have finished college, taken my last exam, and am now just waiting for results.  And hoping that luck will be on my side.  Amazingly and unexpectedly I got a distinction for my dissertation!!! I am chuffed to bits as it was the piece of work I was most worried about, I still keep checking the online results for fear that there's been some kind of mistake.  But there hasn't , now I have the unenviable wait to see whether or not my results will mean that I get the sequel I've worked so hard for, but only time will tell.  This course has been amazing in every sense of the word! It has, without doubt changed my life. And I don't want this journey to end.  I'm still faced with two paths, and I'm still without oars and having to hold on and see which way the tide will take me, but I'm keeping my chin up, as I'm certain that whichever path I go down, it will be my first crossroad of many, there isn't just two options ahead of me, as there's always a plan b if I need one...x

Let the river run...

My title comes courtesy of Carly Simon, and considering my strong kayaking allegory throughout this blog,  I think that it is very appropriate.  Today is Tuesday, and this blog is only a few days from my last but I feel the need to vent.  Yesterday was the absolute and complete deadline for my last two essays.  They have gone.  I am powerless to change them now.  And so I'm sitting in my lounge desperately trying to revise for my last exam on Friday morning.  In my last blog I felt positive that my journey is not over yet, but self doubt is now running riot within me.  I'm not frightened about the exam per se as I know I've gone over it again and again, and will be setting myself a mock exam very shortly.  Instead Im frightened by the dark path lying ahead of me.  In the golden sunny path I can see a destination, a finish line, and  I know where I'm going.  The dark path unsettles me, there is no definite destination only darkness.  Last night I realised what that darkness represents, it represents me before I started on this course.  It's as if the lights have been dimmed for a very long time and then this course opened my eyes up to the technicolor all around me, and I don't want to go back to the dimness.  It's as though for years I have existed but in the last year I've lived! I've got my identity back. I've become a person in my own right again. Not a wife, a mother or hairdresser but just me! I don't want to let go of this again, I don't want to merely exist, I want to grab life by the balls and live it to the max.  I've already wasted too many years doing stuff I wasn't into, because I felt I should, but it didn't make me happy.  I always felt like there was something missing and could never put my finger on what that something was.  But now I know.  That missing piece was education, I thrive on it, I've worked my arse off since September and now it's coming to an end Im not thinking about resting, Im trying to work out projects to keep me busy.  The merest thought that this educational journey is coming to a close makes me want to cry!  Feeling very emotional indeed. This epiphany does not mean I want to make any changes to my private life obviously, Larry is the man I will hopefully grow old with, but he has seen the light within me dim over recent years until I began down this path. He knows that for the first time in a very long time I'm doing something that I love, and am milking it for all its worth.  And as for Meg, I would be feeling very alone were it not for my studying as Meg now reaches a time in her life when friends take priority over family. Don't get me wrong, there's no issues there, just that she has her own life outside of us now as do all girls her age. If I didn't have my studying I'd be the sad fat dog lady, sitting in the lounge each evening after work whilst Larry's working, and Megs studying/socialising, just eating and crying.  That's not a future I want to recognise. I'm just really really bad at this being in limbo situation! It's very difficult concentrating on my revision, because I don't want this to finish, I really don't.  I know I'm being silly, but I'm finding it very difficult to accept.  I'm already trying to line up projects to keep me busy beyond Friday, and trust me it won't be restful as I've loads to do, but it's not what I'd like to do, rather stuff that just needs to be done.  Feeling like a proper negative nelly today, I just want this so badly, more than Ive wanted anything in a very very long time.  So I'm just going to have to trust in the powers that be, that the river running free will guide my kayak down my rightful path.  Please?  If someone up there can hear me, please help my kayak out of the weeds and mud it's currently stuck in and send a breeze to power me down the golden path, to where I believe my future truly lies.  I don't want to go back into the dark...x

The never-ending story...

Not only is this blog title a brilliant song from my teens but it's an excellent film as well, and fits this week very well.  Well maybe not all week, but it does echoe my current mind set.  In all honesty I've spent most of this week in tears!  Going in for my final week at college has been very emotional to say the least. Last weekend I thought I was ahead of the game with my last two essays and even though I've worked less hours this week I just ran out of time.  Ended up having to hand in two essays that I wasn't 100% about in all honesty.  It's so hard knowing in my mind that those pieces of work could've been better, much much better, but they're not, they've gone and I can't do anything about them now.  It's a very very bitter pill to swallow.  Yesterday was my last English session, I'd written a poem to mark the last lesson and broke down whilst reading it out!  What an idiot!!! But I'm still glad I wrote the poem as otherwise I'd have felt even more depressed! Everyone says I'm being silly getting so upset, and it's not finished yet, my sunlight path is still in sight at present BUT so is the darker one.  The darker path houses all my insecurities and self doubt, that path has been empowered by my handing in work that I wasn't confident in.  The sunlight path hasn't been fuelled since my last set of results and that was nearly two months ago.  I just hate feeling in limbo, and Im very very much in limbo right now.  I've got one last exam next Friday, I've written my revision notes, my tutor has given them his approval, so I guess the rest is up to me. I have got time booked out all week to revise but I felt I needed some time to get my head straight last night and today.  But tomorrow I will revise. Larry will be out cycling all morning so I will revise then.  Part of me doesn't want to revise, doesn't want Friday to come because then this experience really will be over.  My kayak paddles will disintegrate after the exam, I will no longer have any control at all over where my life goes from here,  fate will power my kayak down whichever path has been chosen for me. Any shred of control will have been taken out of my hands, and for someone like me that's an incredibly frightening prospect to say the least.  After a journey filled with music there is now quiet, no sound at all, not even from me. But as my blog title states I have to have faith that my story, this story is not yet over.  If this particular journey is meant to continue then it will, if it isn't meant to be be then another door will open to me.  I just know that I'm not meant to stop exploring other options for my life.  I know I'm blessed in so many ways but I think that there are other chapters for me to read before my story is over. And so regardless of the exam, the results or my future educational aspirations, this story, this blog will continue...this is my never ending story....for now xxx

The Final Countdown...

As a secret rock chick, and from my teenage love of all soft rock comes my blog title this week. And it truly is the final countdown for me, whoever is in control of my personal film screening right now has their finger firmly pressed on the fast forward button, giving me zero opportunity to come up for air. To say that this course is all encompassing is an understatement, it has, (without sounding like some saddo from a TV talent show) been a completely life changing experience for me an experience that I will never regret.  I am not sure I really understood how hectic my life would be when I started down this path, and I sincerely hope that this path is not about to have an abrupt end.  I just need to be sure that the last pieces of work I hand in are the best that they can be, and that my revision notes for my exam are kick arse.  I'm certainly not giving up now!  I have come a long way since September, my mind is working far beyond its previous capabilities,  I feel that a whole new world of knowledge is opening up for me, but at the moment I'm peeking through the door in awe, but I'm not allowed to go in.  It's a frustrating feeling.  I'm a planner, in all aspects of my life. I like to know what I'm doing and where I'm going. I'm not big on surprises. Ever! Instead I am a perpetual Boy Scout I like to be prepared.  It's who I am, that will never change. However I'm not rigid in this, and can roll with the punches and think on my feet if I need to.  But I'd rather know ahead, I'd rather be able to plan.  And so here am I in limbo, where my life goes from here who knows.  I've always envisaged my finish line as getting the marks I need and progressing onto uni, however an alternate path has now become visible, it is a path I do not wish to tread, but my own self-doubt has put it there.  Whilst my ideal path is glowing with sunshine with the promise of uni, and a whole new world into learning, the alternate path is dull and dark, it is grey, uninviting, melancholic and sad.  I don't want to go down that path, but I don't get to make that decision. I hope and pray that my hard work will only lead me in one direction, to my dreams for the future, but the decision as to which way I go is out of my hands. And so here I sit, caught in the weeds with my kayak, knowing that Im stuck until help comes from either one path or the other to take me down the route Im destined to take. I just pray that fate will lead me into the sun, and not into the shade.  My theme song has gone quiet now, it cannot help me any longer, it is all down to me now, and whilst it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I'll be damned if I'm going to lie back and let the grey take over.  I hope Linzi is watching over me, and gives me a kick up the arse, as she was often prone to do, as I need her now more than ever before. So if you're listening Linzi, send me one of your happy dance tunes to help me onto the sunshine path.  Really miss you mate.  Wish me luck...x