I'm gonna be strong...

My blog title this week is not only one of my all time songs by the lovely Cyndi Lauper, but it also speaks from my heart.  None of what I've gone through during this course has been easy, although there are those I've come to know who may think that I've breezed through this course.  I guess I'm just good at making it all look easy, I am, metaphorically speaking, an iceberg. What you see on the surface is nothing compared to what is going on underneath.  I've worked my arse off since September, juggling college, coursework, my business, and my family, I've gone back to education after a 23 year absence.  Nothing about this course has been easy.  Now as I face my final pieces of work I want to go out on a high.  I will be gutted if this course does not enable me to continue my studies, but I have to be completely realistic.  My course at UEA has afforded me a conditional place, but it is dependant on my marks which is why these current assignments are more important than they have ever been! I've completely lost perspective at the moment.  Everyone who knows me talks about my future at uni, but it isn't in any way guaranteed, so it puts me under a great deal of pressure. I want, more than anything, to be able to accept that place at UEA but currently it is beyond my reach.  In my previous blog I used the metaphor of my being in a film about to reach its climax with no idea if I will be getting a sequel.  I'm living in limbo.  It's not a nice place to live. I don't want this course to end and I'm already saddened by the prospect but more upsetting is the premise that I will have worked so hard and sacrificed so much and still haven't achieved what I needed to.  My metaphorical kayak feels like I'm stuck in the mud, a short distance away I can see the finish line but getting there is not going to be incredibly difficult.  I'd love to be able to have a Michael Caine character in my life now, to guide and inspire me in the way Julie Walters character was inspired in Educating Rita. But I don't have that luxury. I only have myself to push me through this sludge to the finish line, though Larry and Megs support alongside the support of my friends has been incredible, these last pieces of work mean I'm having to go it alone.  But I am gonna be strong, I will promise you that x

The Eye of the Tiger...

It's the thrill of the fight, well so says Survivor.  Imagine if you will a montage of clips sped up that show the crux of a film reaching its climax.  I'm living that montage right now.  Life has sped up, everything is happening at a hundred miles an hour but I don't currently feel like there's a happy ending to all of this.  I have ideas for my last two essays.  I have quotes and bibliographies.  But by the end of this weekend I need two essays. Well a decent draft of each at least. On top of that I need to get hold of study notes for Shakespeare and watch at least one other version of the play.  On top of that I have my psychology trip to London on Thursday.  I've had my last ever Cultural Studies lesson yesterday, and my last ever study skills lesson today.  My dissertation has been handed in.  Everything is heading speedily towards the end credits but at this point I have no idea if 'Must be Mad-Donna' is coming back in a sequel.  It's like a thick fog has descended all around my Kayak, I cannot see where I'm going, it feels like I'm paddling through treacle with every move being laboured and difficult, my theme tune is drowned out by the head wind blowing directly towards me, but regardless I will push on, I will get through this, I will reach the finish line I will get my sequel if it kills me... X

Roar!

In the words of the great Katy Perry, 'you're gonna hear me roar!'.  Because as I head faster and faster to the finale of this course,in the hope that a new studying chapter will commence in September, I'm reminding myself that I've fought hard to get this far and I will be buggered if I'm going to drop the pace now.  Someone told me that this would be one of the most intense years of my life, and boy were they right!  This course, and all that I've learned whilst on it, has changed my life.  I really mean that.  It has re-ignited my passion for education.  I have loved each and every minute! Each low has just spurred me on to work harder, and the highs (like this weeks) make me float on air!  This week I got both my disastrous, or so I thought, English presentation mark back alongside the mark for my double unit Psychology report.  I got a distinction in both!  I am chuffed to bits and in a state of disbelief!  Studying, whilst I love it, does not come easy. I have to earn each and every single mark.  But truthfully, I wouldn't have it any other way because if it was easy I wouldn't get the same satisfaction for achievement.  The weeks are really flying by now, I only have one week left until I hand in my dissertation.  That's worth nine marks!!! Worth more than any other single or double unit on the entire course.  I just hope and pray that Margie will like mine or I'm totally screwed! The way I see it, my last two essays I have time to fine tune, to hone and edit them to make them the best that they can be.  My dissertation I have slaved over since February, maybe even earlier than that.  But my last exam is where I'm most concerned.  It's Shakespeare. And it's only one hour and fifteen minutes! I like to have time to analyse a text, I like to be able to read through with my glossary of terms and see what literary techniques have been used, I can take time to develop a point, and edit as I go along.  In an hour and fifteen mins with no glossary to refer to, my thoughts become jumbled, I can't remember the names of the literary terms, and my writing when rushed is very very difficult to understand.  I have emailed Chris and made him aware of my concerns and Im hoping he can steer me right, he has so far. I just have to keep knuckling down, doing my best and hope to god that it pays off.  I know I don't need to get distinctions to get into the UEA, but I really want to get them if I can.  I guess time will tell.  In the meantime I am paddling fast, there's a current going against me, but I can see the finish line, and can picture Larry and Meg at the line spurring me on all the way.  There's no way I'm going to let them down now, so listen out because hopefully it shouldn't be long until you hear me roar... X