The End of the Road...

In the immortal words of BoysIIMen the end of my first year as a student is now in sight.  And I cannot help but grieve that it is fast coming to a conclusion.  I've shelved any thought of Uni for now, as until I get all the marks that I need I'm not going anywhere.  I'm just trying to throw myself into these last few weeks so at least if I go out it'll at least be with a Big Bang safe in the knowledge that I have given this course my absolute best.  Has it been tough? Have I found it difficult? Have I sometimes wondered if Id ever get through it? Has it been the steepest and speediest learning curve known to man? Yes, yes, yes and Oh my god yes!!! But have I loved every minute of it? Without a doubt.  I'm still waiting for both my Psychology report and the horrendous English presentation, the results should be in by next Friday, not that I will be able to look at either for fear of a bad result.  But right now I'm concentrating on the pieces of work that are to come.  I've tweaked my dissertation and am about ready to put it aside.  I've hit the word count exactly, and Im happy with how it reads.  It has to be handed in on the 17th may, just over two weeks time.  In the meantime I'm now working on a non assessed presentation for next Friday which details my final essay for psychology, we were given the freedom of choosing our own question, and as I don't want to be replicating my dissertation (it has a strong social psychological base) I've decided on 'Do 'Gentlemen prefer blondes'?.  I've found lots of really good resources and am waiting for four books to arrive via Amazon.  It's a surreptitious link to my current role in hairdressing. This course has cost me a fortune in books!!! This presentation will help as a kind of essay plan, to organise my thoughts.  Then I need to move onto doing a mind map for my last essay for Cultural studies, I've chosen to focus on the book 'Persepolis' a graphic novel.  I've never read a graphic novel before, but they are a very interesting medium, I've read another graphic novel called 'Maus' to offer a comparison text.  It was the saddest book I've ever read, telling the story of an auschwitz survivor.  And now I need to read another normal novel called 'Reading Lolita in Tehran' as an additional comparison piece.  I will also be using a chapter from Salman Rushdies 'Imaginary Homelands' as well as articles I hope to find through research.  This is my final piece of work for Cultural Studies, a double unit, therefore a 2000 word essay.  Cultural Studies has turned out to be my favourite subject, and yet I didn't even know what it was in September! And so now I can see the finish line, there are some tricky manoeuvres needed to see me through to the next stage but I'm hopeful that I can keep my head above water, forge strongly through the waterway that lies ahead, and finish this course and my paddling on a high.  So if youre  reading this from beyond Linzi, please could you send some good vibes my way.  The first year of my journey is almost at an an end but I feel like she has been with me every step of the way.  Miss you mate xxx

The tears of a clown...

My title for this week is both an expression of the week I've had but is also a description of me in general.  Firstly me.  I've used humour as a mask my whole life, it's normally used to hide my inner insecurities.  My humour is very self deprecating, but it helps to keep me going when I'm feeling uncertain.  This week.  Sadly my clown mask could not help me.  Yesterday was my english exam, this time in the form of a 10 minute presentation and accompanying 400 word essay.  I spent many hours working on both parts required over the Easter holidays.  Unfortunately this week I've found it very hard to get my head back in the game.  Long hours combined with a rather unpleasant encounter with a client (now ex client) meant that my first chance to revisit and practice my presentation wasn't until Thursday evening.  By this point I was feeling very stressed! Not to mention unprepared.  Being the consummate Boy Scout this left me very unnerved for the presentation, but I thought I could buoy my confidence by 'looking the part'.  Sadly the extra time this took meant I ran late, had to chase Megs bus, had to get fuel, and missed my normal bus from the park and ride.  Upon arriving at college I felt I could breath a sigh of relief, but unfortunately  not.  As I sat preparing for my presentation I realised my student ID had gone amiss which meant time spent organising getting a new one to enable me to hand in my work post presentation.  This was the straw... I am a person who likes to have a handle on things and I felt like I was hopelessly falling with little hope of stopping myself.  My class mates were fantastic and sensing my nerves kindly allowed me to go first.  At this point my classmate Steph said I turned grey.  Chris, my teacher, asked if I was ok as I didn't look well and as he said that the tears came, my mask slipped and my insecurities were revealed for all to see.  I excused myself quickly but the damage was already done.  I'd had a meltdown in front of everyone and I felt like Id humiliated myself.  I did my best to pull myself together in the toilets and returned to do my presentation.  I lost my place a couple of times, I stumbled over my words, and didn't get half of the info in that I wanted to, and I ran out of time.  The projector wasn't set up right which threw me as well.  I was massively relieved when it was over but also massively kicking myself as all my hard work had not been presented with any level of justice.  Weirdly, I was equally upset that Chris my teacher would be disappointed in me.  It was awful!!!! The best presentations within the group were by Lucy and Adam, but everyone else's were about on par with mine.  None of us felt that we had done very well and all felt that Chris seemed generally underwhelmed by our presentations.  I've just got to hope and pray that my submitted piece of written work boosts my bad presentation.  I'm feeling the pressure that every piece of work that I do now could mean the difference between going to uni or not.  I've worked so hard and I only have a few more obstacles to get over.  I do not want to fail now or it will all have been a waste.  Night has suddenly fallen on my waterway, the tide is so strong and I've been paddling so hard, for so long, and I'm tired.  So tired.  But I'm not giving up.  I will either win through this or die trying.  I've just got to put yesterday behind me and look to the light at the end of this tunnel.  It's hard to see ahead of me, it's tough going but I've got to keep faith, keep my head up, take pride in how far I've come and just keep on paddling...x