Santa Claus is coming to town!

So, I've broken up for my Christmas break, from college at least, and I can just chill with the family. NOT!!! That's just not how I roll is it? I'm working until Wednesday whereupon my official Christmas holiday will start, but in the meantime, I'm organising the study I'm going to have to do over the holidays.  My lecturers will see the holidays as an opportunity to relax and let my hair down, excuse the hairdressing pun, however I cannot afford to drop my study momentum.  I have loads of work to do! And the sooner I get it done, the longer I will have to spend time with the family.  I haven't stopped, now will I stop paddling down this water way, but I may accept the offer of a little tow over the Christmas period. I'm still struggling to comprehend my first marks hitting the heights that they did, and to put even more pressure on I've already heard from three of my uni applications.  One, Anglia Ruskin has invited me for interview but I've had to request an alternative date.  Two, UCS are looking at my application, and Three, UEA were unsure as to my relevant experience so I have just finished writing a response which should hopefully answer their questions, and hopefully they will then be able to further my application. I've not heard anything from City College's HE dept yet but apparently that's nothing unusual. I want a shot at a degree regardless of where I end up having to study. Obviously UEA would be ideal regarding distance from home, but they also have the highest requirements from an applicant. I'm aiming for the stars, but I will settle for the moon, I just hope and pray that one of my applications is successful. I've bought a suit. Yes. Me. I've bought a suit! I haven't actually been interviewed for over 10 years but I'm hoping that I will be and do ok. If I have a guardian angel and they happen to be looking in my direction, I just hope that they realise that I don't want anything for Christmas, just the opportunity to fulfil a life long ambition. If you're listening Santa, please can I gave a place on a degree course for Christmas? xxx

Walking in the Air.....

Aled Jones gives me this weeks title, not just for my general feeling but it is nearly Christmas!!! I got my results, I'm still in a state of shock honestly. The first mark for Cultural studies came up on my ILP (Independent Learning Profile) and I didn't dare look, I felt physically sick truthfully. But finally I got up the nerve to look and couldn't believe my eyes when I saw DISTINCTION. A distinction!!! For me? Really? I cannot tell you how happy it made me. I did my happy dance and everything! Even shed a few happy tears! Now I worked so hard on that essay and hoped it would do ok, but it still left me unknowing as to my other results. Two hours later another result showed up, English this time, again I felt this sense of foreboding. I clicked on the results screen but shielded my eyes with my hand, afraid to look for fear of disappointment. Finally I opened my eyes and scanned down to the English result. Another DISTINCTION!!! Another one!!!? Had there been a mistake? Were my eyes deceiving me? I refreshed the page thinking it was just a glitch in the system but it wasn't. I'd only gone and got a second distinction! Omg! Me! I have had a niggling worry in the back of my mind since the beginning of this course, wondering if I was just kidding myself. Could I really study a degree? Was I clever enough? But I knew that whatever happened marks wise I would see this course all the way through whether it led to Uni or not. So here I was still waiting for my psychology exam results. I saw my tutor at college on Tuesday, and he asked about my results. I told him, whilst still pinching myself at how good they were.  I asked when my exam result would be on my ILP and he said it should be any day...the waiting was making my stomach tie in knots. He said I needn't worry because the course would get easier here on in... Easier here on in!!! What the hell did that mean? Now I plunged into an abyss of self doubt, if he said the course got easier did that mean that I needed it to? Had I done that badly? I decided it wasn't worth stressing over. As long as I'd passed at least the two distinctions could help to balance the books from a Uni point of view. And so I just waited... Wednesday came and went without the result, I checked the screen numerous times, each time experiencing that sense of foreboding. I checked in between clients during the day on Thursday too, then finally late afternoon on Thursday the screen showed a result...again I covered my eyes, dared not look, but finally I steeled myself to look.  My eyes slowly scanned down the screen, I knew the result would be at the bottom.  I read the result, re read the result, and read it again a third time...I got a DISTINCTION!!! Another one!!! Three out of three! I sobbed. Great big tears streamed down my cheeks! Seriously? Another DISTINCTION! I cannot tell you how happy those results have made me, how happy and grateful I am! I'm beyond chuffed! But. Do not for a second think that I will now ease off with my frantic approach to study.  This set of results has done nothing more than spur me on to wanting to achieve even more! I know I can't be marked any higher, but I can still improve, and I'm going to give it even more than I have been already. As I said to a friend in college, I know I'm in the right lane now, but that doesn't mean I should take my foot off of the accelerator. In so far as my kayaking metaphors, whilst I know there is still fierce currents ahead, I have learnt from the rough waters I've already travelled through, and hold faith in that knowledge helping me further down this waterway... X

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...

And so I'm still waiting for my results!!! Yes, still!!! And as quoted above from the lovely Jack Johnson, who's music I love by the way, I'm sitting, waiting and wishing for my results. Wishing that these results will not immediately put my dreams of going to UEA next year to ruin. I need these marks to be good, but am I good enough to get the level of marks I need to achieve? I've been going through mental torture waiting for these results, and this waiting is like I'm paddling my kayak in pitch black, with a current that I am unable to tell if it is going for or against me. I'm still paddling, but I'm unable to tell if I'm actually moving ahead until I know these results. But in the meantime I'm still working hard, I'm getting better at organising myself as far as my studying is concerned, or at least I think I am. I'm just questioning everything at the moment to be honest. I'm really enjoying the course! I'm loving it, in all honesty regardless of this waiting.  And I'm really, really looking forward to CHRISTMAS!!!!!!! I love CHRISTMAS!!!!!! I've done some fab Christmas cards for my lecturers I just hope they won't hold these cards against me for future marking lol. But the whole group will be signing them so if they do take offence they will have to take it out on all of us! My theme song is still playing but it has had a Christmas remix with sleigh bells and everything! Hopefully this waiting will all be worth it, hopefully, fingers crossed, and toes, and eyes, no not eyes really but you get my drift...x

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Week 10 has been an interesting one, I completely lost it over losing 1% attendance over a class that was cancelled. However I was in college and studying so hope that will be put right very quickly. It's amazing how riled I can get over something so little. I guess I'm just thinking that even if my impending results are not as high as entry requirements, that having 100% attendance at the end of the course would help me towards securing a place. I'm very much in limbo right now, still waiting for the results of both my exam and my assignments. There are nine marks up for grabs and I need to score merits across this whole course to stand a chance at getting a degree place. That's not easy. I wouldn't say I'm finding the actual work itself hard, but having the time that I would like to study available to me. See that's the thing. I'm loving the studying. I don't have enough hours in the day to absorb more information. But I'm loving it, I really am. I just hope that the work I'm able to put in is enough to add a sail to my kayak and help me along this white water otherwise known as this course. My theme song is playing in my head, but it's at a lower level whilst I await my results, however another song is running alongside it.(See title lol) Anyone who knows me will know that I. LOVE. CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!! I love it so much!!! And ordinarily this time of year any spare time would be spent preparing for it. I'm only grateful I started my Christmas preparations in September before I started this course, so although my time this year is more limited than it has ever ever been I'm all wrapped, and pretty much ready to go! I just hope that these results will give me an early Christmas present, and keep my force going strong. I'm paddling hard, and fast I've just got to hope that the tide is on my side, and that I'm able to negotiate any tricky water ahead of me x

Happy Birthday to ya, Happy Birthday!...

Well I'm back to week 1 of my new topics. I have another two weeks before I will find out how I did in my assignments and exam. And this week it's my birthday!!! I've hit the books hard all week just so that I can have some 'me' time over the weekend. The waiting for my results is a killer. Plus I could possibly hear from my applied for universities just after Christmas. It's tough. This whole course is tough. I need to know if I'm able to achieve a level of pass that will help me into uni. I'm still working blind right now. Sadly I've lost a friend from my course, but now is not the right time for him. He will come back to the course  next year bigger and better I'm sure!  It may sound like I'm being grumpy but I have to concentrate on myself and my work on this course. I know I gave my assignments my absolute best as I did my exam. I felt elated upon finishing my exam I just hope that elation was justified. This weekend having time with Meg and Larry has shown me the sacrifices to family time of this course, I need to make sure that study balances in with my family. Regardless they are my number one priority, and nothing will shift them off of that top spot. And this week my theme song is replaced by Stevie (as mentioned in title) at least until tomorrow. Then I will be playing my theme again, getting my head back into the books and giving this course what for. All this paddling just makes me stronger, but having had the love of my family turning the tide in my favour I have advanced a long way in a short space of time, and will keep paddling on until I reach my destination. X

When the going gets tough.....

Ok, I know I've been away for two weeks but I have been mega busy!!! My first two assignments have gone in, so I will be crapping myself for the next three weeks until I get the results.  And I sat my first exam for 23 years yesterday!!!! Scary stuff!!!! To be honest I'm feeling pretty good.  Whatever marks I get I know I've given those essays and the exam everything I have! I'm completely drained! But I still have a smile on my face.  My song is playing louder than ever, and has had a bit of a remix to suit my current frame of mind. We are currently grooving down this path to a dance mix of my song. And I've gone through the white water passage, and have finally hit an expanse of smooth, calm waters, at the moment. I know that at any time the tide can turn, but for now I'm enjoying the peace and quiet.  I have a mountain of reading to do this weekend, and a mind map to prepare for Monday's first lesson on Pop art, but I will get it done, today or tomorrow.  It's weird to think that I'm already a quarter into this course, one quarter down three more to go.  It's been such a steep learning curve so far, but hopefully now I can stay on a level.  I know it's going to get harder of course it is, but I'm sure this first section is definitely the hardest.  I've learnt to run from standing completely still, but as I'm tough I guess I will keep on going lol xxx

There may be trouble ahead...but let's face the music and dance!

Ok so I've reached Week 6 of this course, and in only two weeks my future will be decided. If I'm to continue studying next year I have to ace all three of my assignments and my study skills portfolio needs to be second to none. A place at university hinges on my first results more than any others and will be the highest level of feedback I can get. At least I have some time (though not much) over half term to get even more work done. My essay plans are coming together though there's still at least a days work just in them, then it's head down for revision for psychology, but it's possible. I don't see it as impossible which is a plus in itself! But still, if I am to carry on down this waterway I'm going to have to paddle like hell! Let's just say that the next couple of weeks are whitewater cross country territory. I've put in the practice and I have my song playing loudly in my head, now I've just got to hope it keeps my head above the water. However, I'm not sure if it's a shift in my mental attitude or in the Christmas spirit that has started to flow steadily through my veins, but I don't feel despondent about what's heading my way, more challenged. I feel like saying to that whitewater passage  "Alright mate, give me your best shot but let me tell you this right off, I'm not going down without a fight!" X

I get knocked down, and I get up again...

Week Five has been a truly mixed bag in all honesty! Early doors, and I won't lie, I was feeling pretty confident. Like I was not just getting through my course but succeeding in it. Then, back in kayaking terms, I experienced a metaphorical shove which not only forced me to capsize but fall out of my kayak entirely and into the lake with lead weighted boots, no longer was I gliding along the surface whilst furiously paddling instead I was drowning with no hope of survival. My song fell silent, and instead was replaced by the sound of my own tears. Had it not been for three wonderful ladies, you know who you are, I would've stayed under. But as my title suggests I'm not going down without a fight! I'm back in my kayak, but this time I have a buoyancy aid, you could say an extra thickened layer of skin, and I sincerely hope that this time I will not only keep my head out of the water, but there will be no further risk of drowning.  I've also turned my song up to full volume! Now I've got one hell of a current against me, bordering on a white water passage but I'm determined to get back to the calmer water as soon as possible X

Finding my Stride...

Okay so last week I was struggling to hear my song above the noise of impending doom ringing in my ears. But using kayaking terms again I feel that the current has settled and I'm now paddling with the tide rather than against it. I'm not saying the waters are easy, more I'm learning to improve my kayaking skills. I've had a weekend away with the lovely Larry and though I did get my head in the books for a time I know I will need to put in more time this week and next weekend to make up for my time away. Though quality time with Larry, and a rest with sea air to boot has strengthened my resolve and made me all the more determined for this course. I know I'm built for comfort not for speed but there's more gears left to use, of that I'm certain, and I'm turning up the volume to my song. There's nothing that I will allow to drown it out again...x

Wobbly Steps...

So I've gone head first into Week 3 of this course.  This course runs at a rate of knots, it speeds along and I'm having to go along at a pace less comfortable than I'm used to. I find that in some lessons I'm coming away with newly gained knowledge of the subject, but in others its speeds through too quickly (with too much info that isn't totally necessary to what we are going to be tested on) that you leave the class questioning what you've learned from it. Which means more study outside of the course itself. Though that study is completely unguided, so I'm just praying that I'm on the right page, so to speak. I class this week as "the wobble week". I'm shocked by the number of people who have already left the course! People, who I felt, had clearly demonstrated during their contributions to classes that they were more prepared for this course than I and yet they've gone. Have I wobbled this week? I'd say yes I have, a little, however I got some validation from a lecturer this week for a section of work, which has boosted me.  I'm not about to let a wobble in confidence stop me in my quest to do well in this course. I may be a little bit wobbly but I'm still moving forward. Those that have left are young enough to re-tread this path at a later date, but this is my last chance, and I'm not turning back! My song is still playing, but it's barely audible, so it's time to crank up the volume, get my head in the books, and my feet pounding that path...x

Running before I can walk...

It would be fair to say that Week 2 of this course has had me running around like a headless chicken. Despite my considering my time management skills to be good, they are now being tested to a higher level than ever before. I seem to be on a perpetual conveyor belt of work, home and study. Whereas normally Id consider myself to be constantly moving at a reasonable pace through life, somebody has  just flipped on the nitro and the days are passing by me by at a rate of knots. Therein exists no space for anything else. I feel guilt at even stopping my study to write this blog. I keep having the words from the Fresh Prince go round and round in my head "well my life got flipped, turned upside down, and I'd like to take a minute and sit right here, to tell you how I became a mature student this year!" The end part is very obviously my own but it does fit. I can still hear the music, henceforth known as 'my song' as I run from one class to another, and I'm still living the dream, but it has taken a slightly more nightmarish turn at present. I'm still ahead of the current, to coin a term from my love of kayaking, I've just got to push through and not let this turn of tide capsize me x

Baby Steps....

Ok so let's be honest I've been out of education, well this kind of education anyway, for a hell of a long time! And getting my head back into gear Week One was not exactly easy. In my day if you quoted someone else's work it was plaguerism, now it's citation. This is all so very new. There are very few mature students in my groups, for the most part I'm the oldest, and it's far too easy to settle into the role of mother of the group. I've learnt quickly that putting myself in that role just means others take advantage of my good nature, and sad to say on this course I have to be my own number one priority.  For once I have to be selfish. But I'm lucky my groups generally have a good mix of people.  There's a part of me that feels like I'm living out one of my favourite films "Educating Rita".  I'd always sympathised with the main character played by Julie Walters, and I can hear the music from the film play in my head as I walk along corridors. I'm living my dream, I'm sure there'll be times I will consider it a nightmare, but for now it's a dream and right now I don't want to wake up X

Let me explain...

This blogging lark is all very new to me. So to start a brief synopsis of life so far may help you to understand who I am. Born in a pub (parents were publicans and not heavy drinkers) in Long Stratton. Parents from London originally. Upbringing, spent most of my formative years with my eldest sister Michéle and grandparents as my mum and dad worked a lot!  Moved to Aslacton, dad worked away a lot which was just as well as our relationship was difficult ( best I leave it at that). At 13 my parents started to run a home for adults with learning difficulties from our family home. I got involved with caring for my brothers Paul, Trevor and John wherever I could. John still lives with my mum and dad. At 15 I was the victim of a serious sexual assault,  yes I know that's a funny thing to say in this kind of thing but I'd rather be honest, and it may help to explain how I've become the person I am today, in how I dealt with it. It was whilst I was volunteering at a camp for underprivileged children in Scotland.  I was compelled to keep it a secret rather than have the whole camp sent home through involving police.  But it affected me more than I let on at the time. I still did well in my GCSE's and went to college to study three A levels. Unfortunately I developed a blood clot on the brain at 17.  I didn't tell anyone. Not even my family. I was in a bad way, so sought solace in the wrong ways with the wrong kind of people As such my three A levels became two and my grades weren't great.  But on the plus side the clot broke down of its own accord, and I got better. It would be fair to say that my biggest regret of the time, and indeed in life to date, is that I didn't go on to get a degree, but circumstances, illness and family situation kept me from going beyond A levels.  After that I ended up training as a hairdresser- that all happened quite by accident- but it has given me an income. All through this time I battled with bulimia (unknown to those around me) and had just reached rock bottom when someone sent me an angel. Ok, maybe not exactly an angel but near enough, my Larry. He helped me get back on track and showed me what love really is, we got married 1999 and I carried on hairdressing and we set up a home and a life together! And started a family. Being a hairdresser has worked around getting to spend time with Meg (my beautiful 13yr old daughter) in her formative years but has never truly fulfilled me.  10 years ago I went 'on a break' and joined Norfolk Constabulary as a PCSO and that's where I met Linzi, the reason why I'm doing all of this now.  She was a force to be reckoned with was Linzi, once she set her cap on something she got on and did it.  Her biggest criticism of me that I procrastinate too much instead of getting on with my life.  I worked with Linzi as a PCSO for two years, and when we were split up to different stations we both decided our time in the job was over.  In all honesty I only stayed as long as I did because of Linz. She taught me a new way of looking at and addressing problems, and we just clicked from day one. I went back to hairdressing and singing semi-professionally.  Linz went back to working in as a custody officer. Our friendship stayed strong though I missed us not seeing or speaking to each other so much.  Larry and I went through a difficult time relationship wise, we got counselling, re found what we thought we had lost and are now happier than ever!  We renewed our vows in 2011. And life was pretty good all round in all honesty. Linz had always planned on moving out to Fuerteventura and retiring early (her and her hubby Graham) and finally just over two years ago she did it! I was so pleased for her, and the emails I received from her told of sunny days, and even through the context of emails you could tell she was smiling and very happy in her accounting for what she was up to.   Then last year, 2014, the day after my birthday I got a text from an unknown number asking if I was the 'Donna' that used to work with Linzi? From there it's all a bit of a blur.  It turns out that Linzi had passed away the day before my birthday. She was only 53 years old.  There had been no illness. The cause of death is still a mystery. She was gone. My best friend   At first I was so upset, so so upset, but then upon reflection I decided that if Linz were here she would kick my arse! I thought rather than mourn and be sad over the loss. I would, in honour of her, address her biggest criticism of me.  So I have striven ever since to get on with life, and not procrastinate over everything. "You talk the talk" Linzi would say "But you need to walk the walk". Instead of talking about what I could do, I've talked about my experiences as I've done them. This blog is evidence of that. So since then I've cycled in two charity bike runs of 25 miles and 16 miles respectively, I've re joined a local amateur dramatics group, in fact everything I've set out or spoken about doing I've done, even the simplest of things.  But I still thought that being able to go back to study, namely doing a degree, was out of reach to me. I looked into Open University and the prices were ridiculous!, so I looked at other courses.  First I thought that maybe I should look at doing some counselling training, then I looked into hypnotherapy and NLP. Then a chance conversation with one of my clients made me realise that a Degree may still be in my reach after all.  It was too late to apply other than to go in through clearing, and the learning curve of the form filling alone was immense! But the disappointment at not securing a place broke my heart. However I wasn't about to go down without a fight! I emailed the admissions team of the university and asked why they hadn't accepted me and asked them for feedback.  Their feedback led me to a phone call to City College Norwich and the rest, as they say, is history. So although I'm now studying for me and my family, and towards getting a degree place, and eventually getting my degree, I still owe a lot of this to Linzi. And I'm doing this for us both...X

New Beginnings....

And so you see it happened like this.  I'd gone into City College Norwich for an open day and the next thing you know I'm enrolled and starting an Access course less than two weeks later! Talk about a whirlwind! I'd only gone in to talk about applying for next year, and then without warning I'm given a slip of paper with a timetable, and they've taken my picture for an ID and I'm in! They say that when a door opens you should go through it, and under normal circumstances I would procrastinate and talk myself out of it.  But I'm not just here for me, I'm here for Linzi.  And as I'm gingerly peeking through the threshold of this newly opened door, she's behind me giving me a great big push! X