The fear...

I take this weeks title from Lily Allen, having just come through my first week of uni and with my first piece of work already imminent, fear surrounds me.  It's very difficult to feel like anything other than apprehensive at this juncture. I'm terrified, apprehension doesn't cover it honestly.  At the moment I feel that my kayak hasn't left the shore yet, I'm still sat on the edge of a stony beach in my kayak and assessing the huge journey that lies ahead of me. I just don't seem to be able to get into the water, but I don't know what's holding me back. Is it my own insecurity? I don't know but I'm feeling very much on the back foot at the moment.  I really want to move forward but I'm scared to try for fear of failing. That's probably my biggest fear. Of failing. Can I do this? Really? I worked so hard at my access course and did so well but yet now I'm suffering a major crisis of confidence.  And I don't know how I can gage confidence to push forward. Over this weekend I have scuppered my own study plans, I've struggled with concentration, I just don't seem to be able to get my head in the game. So how do I cut the tie that binds me to the shore? How do I get myself started on this journey? At this point, honestly I don't know. I just don't know right now. I think I'd got myself over confident about this degree course thinking it would be easy, and it's not, it's tough. There's a pile of books for me to read, and assignments ahead that cause me to panic despite their being months ahead. I'm very very worried. Please Linzi if you're watching over me right now, I need you. I need to get this journey started and stop worrying. Because right now, the tides moving away and I'm not moving with it xxx

Here I go again...

MUST BE MAD-DONNA....THE SEQUEL

So thanks to Whitesnake, and in the words of Chucky 'I'm back!'.  So it's official I'm an undergraduate at the University of East Anglia!!!!  Argh!!!!!!  I'm not kayaking down a river this time, instead I'm attempting a sea crossing. There's going to be ebbing and flowing, rough conditions although I hope these will be few, and for a long time of this journey I will be travelling with no end in sight. The next three years will probably be the most difficult of my life, but hopefully the challenge and all the hard work will be worth it in the end...

I've got my ID, student registration is on Sunday, and then it's my course induction on Tuesday.  Bloody hell!!!!  This all just got very, very real!!!  I'm not sure what the next three years is going to bring but I will do everything in my power to come out of the other side of this not only with a degree, but having had an incredible 3 years, and met some amazing people who some may even become lifelong friends...  So I guess we'll have to just watch this space.  Julie's theme is playing, so I'm picking up my oar and going to paddle out. Wish me luck X

The end of the road...

Thanks to Boys II Men for this blog title.  The feared AWAITING ACADEMIC JUDGEMENT is merely a computer glitch!  My results are definite. My tether has detached and I'm sailing through to the finish line. I get my sequel!!!  From September my blog will become 'Mustbemad-Donna at Uni- The journey continues'.  I'm not actually changing my blog name, rather adding a sub heading which regular readers will be aware of. So what have I been up to? I hear you ask. Well I've de-cluttered and cleared out my house, I've treated myself to a sewing machine ( as mine broke) new one arrived yesterday and haven't had chance to play yet.  And I'm trying to get myself in gear for my holiday which is coming up shortly. And spending quality time with hubby and daughter. So this blog may be the last for a little while, after all that kayaking my body and mind need a rest. But trust me, in the immortal words of Arnold Schwarzenegger "I will be back....." X

I will wait...

Mumford and sons provide my latest blog title. I thought it was all over but it isn't yet. My results are AWAITING ACADEMIC JUDGEMENT, which I think means that the college have not decided my overall mark for English.  I've got three distinctions and one merit which to my reckoning should give me an overall distinction with 75% of my marks at the higher mark.  So I don't know what happens now. Are they going to re assess all of my English assessments?  Is there a chance that I could be marked down on previous assessments? I have no idea. But it's stressing me out!!!  I just want everything to be finalised, I thought my time in limboville was over, I could even feel the suns warm rays touching my face.  But I feel as though I've now discovered a tether attached to the rear of my kayak, although I'm floating in the direction I want to be going, I'm being held back.  It's so frustrating!!!!!  So whoever is up there watching over my life right now, please,please,please, release my kayak, let me have my results without their being altered and let me move down my path of choice.  The waiting is awful... X

I dreamed a dream....

I'm so excited! This is it! This time I know it's for real! I believe I can fly! There are countless song titles to express how Im feeling right now!  My results are all in!  And I got a distinction in my English exam! So I've finished this course with a 99% attendance rate, with my only absence being that I'd gone to a University interview.  I've got 3 marks at merit and 42 marks at distinction, alongside 15 passes (they were pass/fail results) and I am beyond chuffed!  I worked my arse off throughout this course, alongside running my salon and my household. It's been my biggest challenge to date both physically, mentally and emotionally, but I have loved it! Truly loved it!  I'm so pleased that I've hit the entry marks for UEA but I feel like I'm dreaming right now. Until I get a confirmation of a guaranteed place I'm not counting my chickens.  But as far as this course is concerned a strong wind has arisen behind me, and I'm being blown towards the light, towards a new beginning to my life, a chance for me to progress myself both mentally and emotionally, to achieve a lifelong dream!  Simultaneously I'm reflecting on the reason I started down this path, and wishing Linzi was here to celebrate with me now, but she isn't here. I really miss her.  She's often in my thoughts and she's still my driving force, whenever I've felt I couldn't be arsed it's as though she's been there to tell me to get on with it.  I hope her spirit remains with me as I travel across the sea that's now in view. I know land will be a long way off, there will be choppy waves ahead and obstacles in my way, but I hope that Linzi will be travelling this route with me...x

Sweet dreams are made of this....

Thanks Annie for this blog title, but I'm pinching myself here! I cannot really believe this!!! I've literally just gone on Facebook to find a post telling me that the Cultural Studies results were up. Immediately I felt sick to the stomach as deep down I knew I'd handed in a piece of work that I wasn't 100%happy with.  I've probably worried more about this essay than any other because I wanted to prove how much I have loved this subject. It has been my favourite, and were I younger I would study it at degree. But I'm not. And I do want to study Social work.  And so the result.... A Distinction!!!! That's another full house. A full house in Cultural Studies  and a full house in Psychology.  I've already got a merit in my English short story assessment so I can't get a full house there, but I am beyond chuffed to have got this distinction!  This was a really important one to me, it means a lot!  And so I sit in my kayak and there's a soft breeze behind me, finally after being stuck for so long I'm drifting ahead, I'm not heading directly down my chosen path but I'm a hell of a lot closer.  One more mark to go, don't know if I can stand the suspense much longer...x

Waiting to a star to fall...

So said the lyrics of the 'Boy meets girl's' song of the early 90's, probably remembered most by fans of the film Three Men and a Baby.  But I feel like I am waiting for a star to fall.  That star being my last grades for this course.  So I'm either hoping that either these stars will fall, or my accomplishment and hard work will cause me to rise up amongst the stars as I reach upward to my dream of studying a degree. A dream that I have had for many years and always thought was unattainable. Scarily now that dream is within my grasp, it seems further away than ever before. To get to the point at I'm at now has taken dedication, focus, life juggling skills beyond any of I'd had to use before, and sacrifice.  I've had to sacrifice time with family and friends, and sadly some friendships or what I thought were friendships have disappeared altogether.  But by my reckoning if those friends didn't support me in my quest for education, then they are not proper friends.  So I'm sat in limbo,  my kayak is back afloat, the reeds which tethered me have sunk into the water, but the water is still.  I'm just sat waiting for the breeze to blow me in the direction that fate has decided for me.  If nothing else I can look at myself in the mirror and know in my heart that I have given this course my absolute best! I had nothing left in the reservoir, though in honesty I may have changed my last two essays if I'd had more time. But I didn't, so I will just have to resign myself to that.  So I'm just waiting ....waiting....and waiting some more....watch this space x